


Here There Be Gerblins

by AmaraqWolf



Series: The Adventure Zone: Balance [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: and i am going to run at it screaming, do you have any idea how hard it can be to adapt hilarious ooc banter into a cohesive narrative, do you have any idea how much these boys talk, please listen to the podcast first if you can, the mcelroy brothers are much funnier than i will ever be, this is the most ambitious project i have ever undertaken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2020-10-25 04:53:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20718398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmaraqWolf/pseuds/AmaraqWolf
Summary: Magnus is a fighter looking for a cause worth dying for. Taako is a wizard who has no idea what he's looking for, unless it's sparkly or involves living to see another day. Merle is a cleric suffering a prolonged crisis of faith. Together, they take their first steps into the unknown, and this particular job does not go especially well.Note: This work is part of a collection aiming to adapt the incredible TAZ: Balance arc into a cohesive series of novels. I have several friends who are eager to experience the story but, for various reasons, cannot handle podcasts. Until the graphic novels catch up, this is for them. The story, plot, and characters belong to Griffin, Travis, Justin, and Clint McElroy; I highly recommend enjoying the incredible story through their podcast if you are capable of doing so. They're a lot funnier than I can ever hope to be. Otherwise, please enjoy!





	1. Plot Threatens to Thicken

Strap on your fantasy seatbelts

And brace your asses for…  
**… T_he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

In the world of Faerun — which can be written with or without the little squiggle over the u depending on how fancy you feel like being, or how cooperate writing programs are — things _happen_. Like, all the time. Sometimes they’re good things, and people end up happy, and lives are saved, and people go on to do inspirational things like working on the caravan circuits, or carving furniture out of wood, or starting families in dwarven beach communities. Sometimes they’re bad things, and people end up lonely, and people die, and people go on to do things like forget family and loved ones, or end up trapped in prisons of their own making.

Here's the good news. When bad things happen in Faerun, sometimes there are people you can hire to try and turn them into good things instead. These people are commonly called adventurers, and they commonly travel in groups of at least 5 people — wizards, sorcerers, fighters, rogues, paladins, and clerics. Sometimes these groups are shining beacons of goodness, love, justice, and hope. Sometimes these groups are made up of people you wouldn’t bring home to meet your mother, but they come highly recommended and you don't exactly have any other choice. Most adventuring groups are somewhere in between.

Craigslist doesn't exist in Faerun, if you don't count the parchment nailed to trees by a little gnome named Craig, which most people don't. Because of this, when something bad happens, you can’t really choose who you’re going to hire. You hire whoever happens to be there. For that reason, adventurers are constantly travelling, and in this particular tavern in this particular town, there’s only one possibility for the surly dwarf in the corner who’s looking to hire some help.

There are only three of them. That’s the first oddity. Adventuring groups rarely have fewer than five people in them.

One of them is a human fighter called Magnus Burnsides. He looks exactly like you might expect a human fighter to look. Of the three, he’s the one who could most accurately be called ‘good’, and he’s perhaps a touch more reckless than ‘good’ usually finds ideal. But his heart is in the right place, and some would say that’s what matters.

The second one is an elven wizard called Taako. He looks exactly like you might expect an elven wizard to look, right down to the pointed wizard’s hat. Some have described him as unnaturally beautiful, and he walks like an elf who _knows_ this about himself. His heart is very rarely in the right place. You can usually find him wherever the danger_ isn’t._

The third is a dwarven cleric called Merle Highchurch. He does _not_ look exactly like you might expect a dwarven cleric to look. He’s a religious healer, but he's by no means _delicate_; he carries a warhammer on his back, and looks like someone who knows how to use it to fuck your shit up. An observant bystander who knows what to look for might see the religious tome hanging at his waist, but in this particular tavern, it really doesn’t matter. No one would mess with him regardless.

The three men — or the Tres Horny Boys (THB), as Taako called them once several months before and then never called them again — do not look like they’re friends. That’s not uncommon, in adventuring groups. Circumstance brought them together, and surprisingly effective teamwork kept them _working_ together, but under ordinary circumstances you wouldn't find them at the same parties. Gundren Rockseeker, the surly dwarf in the corner who’s looking to hire some help, thinks he might have preferred a larger adventuring group who have worked together long enough to develop lasting bonds with each other, but you really couldn’t pick who to hire when it came to adventurers. They were here, they looked competent, and — as an added and extremely desirable benefit — Merle Highchurch was family. An old cousin, someone Gundren has never been close to, but someone he knows he can trust.

They're going to have to do.

~~~~

Over drinks, Gundren Rockseeker tells the three adventurers that he has a job for them. “The last job you’ll ever need to take,” he says. He quickly explains this is because they’ll be rich, not because they’re going to die, and if Merle didn’t know he was family, he might have considered this quick clarification to be extremely suspicious.

He wants an audition, Gundren Rockseeker explains, to see if they’re the right people for the job. The audition will involve escorting a supply wagon from Neverwinter to Fandolin.

As far as lucrative jobs go, this is not what any of the adventurers expected, especially since Fandolin is an old mining town that has long since exhausted its magical ores and fallen into disrepair. But Merle can vouch for Gundren. And even if he couldn’t, he says, something about the job stinks to him, and he needs to know what Gundren’s doing just in case Gundren needs a very sharp and heavy boot up the ass.

That’s why, the next day, Merle, Magnus, and Taako are in a supply wagon slowly lumbering through the forest towards Fandolin.

Gundren Rockseeker and his hired bodyguard, Barry Bluejeans, went on ahead that morning, leaving the three adventurers on their own. The supply wagon contains general store goods, food, construction materials, parcels of light leather armour, and some tiny powder kegs, and no clues whatsoever as to what Gundren's intentions actually are. There’s a small leather package belonging to Gundren, as well as a tiny ugly bulldog called Ruby. Magnus bonds with the dog immediately, even though — or perhaps _because_ — all Ruby does during the journey is sleep.

For the first half of the day, the journey is unbelievably boring, and that doesn’t change until around lunchtime. It’s only thanks to Magnus sitting conscientiously up front with the oxen that he notices anything strange, and he squints through the sunshine to make out two dead horses lying in the middle of the road.

“Seems fine,” he mutters to himself. It actually seems the opposite of fine, but it never hurts to be optimistic, right? He brings the wagon to a stop, and motions silently into the back towards Taako and Merle. A small group of goblins appear near the dead horses, and in particular, Magnus notices that two of them have weapons drawn and are making a beeline straight for the wagon. He motions a little faster.

Merle sees the danger around Magnus’s hip. "Ah, shit," he says, and he calls forth a Sacred Flame in his hand, then sends it shooting toward the two goblins. It hits one full in the chest, charring wrinkled goblin flesh in two shakes of a lamb’s tail, a sight terrifying enough to make the other goblin stop dead in its tracks.

“Hit the one in the brush!” Magnus calls to Taako, pointing into the woods.

"What one in the brush!?" Taako instead casts a frigid beam of blue-white light towards the goblin still on fire from Merle’s attack. The goblin flash-freezes, topples to the ground, and shatters.

“That’s not the one in the brush,” Magnus grumbles. He shakes his head. “What do you guys think, should I attack the — you know what, I’m gonna do it.” He leaps off the wagon and comes down on the second goblin a good fifteen feet away with his battleaxe, cutting the goblin in half with a good clean swipe in the direction which, if you had your choice, you would probably _least_ like to be cut in half, and certainly is the least survivable possible halving. As a result, the goblin is dead. The goblin is very, very dead.

The third goblin out in the brush, the one Magnus sees and Taako hasn't, pops out onto the road with a high-pitched nasally battle cry. “Yeah, guys!” it roars. “Get ‘em — oh no, _no, god no_ —”

The goblin takes an arrow out of the quiver on its back, lights it on fire, and shoots it at Taako, standing tallest on the front of the wagon. It misses, and twangs into the canvas of the wagon covering instead, lighting the fabric on fire. With that, the goblin turns tail and runs back into the brush.

“Fire!” announces Taako, pointing at the arrow. “Fire in the canvas!”

The fire isn’t bad yet, but historically, canvas is a very burnable material. You wouldn't usually want to_ leave_ a burning arrow in canvas. In spite of this, Merle leaves the fire to Taako and Magnus to deal with; he jumps down from the wagon, runs after the goblin into the brush, and hurls his axe into the woods.

“Argh!”

Despite the distance and the trees in between, the axe connects. Merle waits, just in case the goblin gives away another sign of its location, but he doesn’t hear anything from the goblin. At all. Ever again.

Back at the wagon, Taako points at the small fire on the canvas, casts a quick and easy prestidigitation spell, and a small puff of wind blows the fire completely out. Thus, the danger passes, and it is left up to individual interpretation how much of a danger there really was in the first place.

When Taako searches the goblin’s corpses, he finds a small pile of gold coins. Magnus offers to hold on to them, an idea Taako flatly rejects. Merle posits that as the religious member of the group, it really makes the most sense for him to hold onto the gold.

“I do feel like the cleric and I did most of the work there,” Magnus points out, grinning.

“Alright,” says Taako, in a tone that says quite plainly he could argue, and has argued that point very often in the past, but he has much better things to be doing right now. “Here’s what I suggest. We each take six, and we put the rest into a pool that we’ll split later.”

“Every time one of us dies, we’ll add five more into it,” Magnus adds. “Last one standing gets it all.”

“Excellent,” Taako agrees.

With that decided, Magnus goes to examine the dead horses in the road, looking for any sign that they belong to Gundren Rockseeker and Barry Bluejeans. All he can determine, though is that the horses have clear mortal arrow holes leaking blood, a fact obvious to anyone with eyes.

“They’re definitely dead,” Magnus tells the others.

“Aw,” says Merle as he recovers his hand axe from the goblin’s head. “You mean they’re not _asleep_?”

They’re not, in fact, asleep. They’re also not cold, though, Taako notes, indicating they were killed only hours ago. While Magnus confirms that for himself, Taako notices an empty map container near one of the horses, and he recognises it as a container Gundren definitely had on him back at the tavern in Neverwinter. It’s uncapped and empty.

“I told you,” says Merle. “I _told_ you Gundren was trying to pull something. I _told_ you there’s something else going on here.”

“Was Gundren killed here too?” Magnus wonders aloud.

Taako shakes his head. “Nope,” he says. “There’s no Gundren-shaped pool of blood on the ground. Look there, though, it looks like they got dragged into the brush.”

Magnus raises his hand. “Wait,” he says. “I’m not an intelligent man, but we’ve got a cart packed to the brim with goods sitting here. Should we just be wandering off, away from that cart?”

“I’ll tell you what,” says Taako. “Magnus, you stay with the cart —”

“Great idea, seeing as I’m our _only fighter._”

“— and with my superior perception, I’ll go investigate the brush.”

“Splitting up the party is the leading cause of death,” Magnus says flatly. “It’s like head and heart disease. Why don’t we just hide the cart?”

Taako purses his lips. “Sounds like _quite_ the production. No, I like my plan.”

“I’m overruling your plan.”

Against Taako’s objections, the trio take the wagon and the oxen a little distance down the road and park them in the brush, camouflaging the cart with leaves and branches, until Magnus is satisfied that it’s fully secured. Then they all head into the brush to try and find where Gundren Rockseeker and Barry Bluejeans have gone.

~~~~

Merle, Magnus, and Taako follow the drag marks deeper and deeper into the woods. They have a surprisingly easy time of it with Gundren’s large form leaving such strong impressions in the loam, and it’s not long before they reach the mouth of a cave with a wide, shallow stream flowing out of it.

Along the stream into the cave, they can see a path. For Magnus, that path blends into darkness about twenty feet in. For Taako and Merle, darkness doesn’t present much of an obstacle.

“A little help, please,” says Magnus.

Merle casts a small light spell on Magnus’s axe. “Better?” he asks.

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“It’ll only go out if I clap my hands. Or if I stop believing in my powers.”

“Cool,” says Magnus. “That’s cool.”

They walk into the cave, Magnus leading the way with his brightly lit axe. Not too far in, the path branches off to the right, and as they approach the fork they can hear metal clanking from down the forking path, almost like a chain being lifted off the rocky ground.

Magus heads toward the sound without much thought, trying to move quietly in case there’s something sentient to spook. Taako, very much on team ‘Taako’s good out here’, stays right where he is at the fork, and Merle, in contrast to Magnus’s efforts, calls out: “You fool! Wait for us!”

“Shh!” Magnus hisses back.

The sound of Merle’s shout bounces around the walls and echoes down the path. Apart from a group of bats spooked out into the open, they don’t hear any response from wherever the metal chains are.

“Now they _definitely_ know we’re here,” Taako murmurs with an edge of exasperation. “Excellent.” He chooses to stay on team ‘hangout’, and continues not to move from his spot.

Magnus, now conscious that he might have lost whatever element of surprise he had, does not stray as far from his companions as he would have otherwise. He’s foolhardy, he likes to think, but he’s not _stupid_. He waves his axe around, hoping to cast some light down the path, and he sees stalagmites — otherwise known as 'big pointy rock things' - built into the earth, as well as big metal rods connected to chains connected to three wolves.

“Kill the light, kill the light, kill the light,” Magnus hisses over his shoulder.

There doesn't seem to be any point, though. Merle’s shout would definitely have woken them up, and the wolves don’t seem aggressive or violent. They aren’t even growling.

Magnus calmly and confidently moves closer to them. The closer he gets, the more agitated the wolves seem, and then two of them begin snarling. He stops. In the back of the small cavern the wolves are chained in, he notices an indentation leading upwards, something like a natural chimney leading up past the ceiling of the cavern. The space is otherwise very tight and cramped. There are only the wolves, and the crevasse in the back.

“I’m still chilling out here, if anyone’s curious,” comes Taako’s voice, echoing down only mildly quieter than Merle’s earlier shout.

Magnus moves back to rejoin them both at the fork. “So there’s some wolves down there, doesn’t seem like it’s worth it, let’s keep going,” he says.

“Excellent. I trust your judgement.”

The trio continue down into the cave. Darkness surrounds them completely as the natural light from the cave’s entrance dissipates. They walk in a small circle of light cast by Magnus’s axe.

As they move down the cave alongside the stream, they approach a natural rock bridge high above them. There’s a figure on that bridge, its dim outline silhouetted by the light of Magnus’s axe, and while Magnus can barely see it, Taako confidently calls out to it.

“Hello, friend!” he says in Elvish.

He receives a questioning grunt in response, which is perhaps not a surprise, as creatures that live in caves traditionally don’t speak Elvish.

Taako inhales to try again, and Magnus hits him on the shoulder. “No!” he hisses. “_Shut the fuck up_.” Taako utterly ignores him and tries again in the language of the goblins, which, to Taako’s knowledge, is just called Goblin.

“Hello, friend!”

_“Who’s there?”_

“Hail and well met!”

“I, I… you don’t sound like anybody I know.”

“We’re just exploring! We’ve taken a wrong turn.”

“Yeah, you have! I would actually _heartily_ recommend you turn around, this is not a great place… for tourism.”

“Where have we found ourselves?”

The goblin does not immediately answer, and Taako entertains himself by imagining the looks of awe and respect that are undoubtedly on Magnus and Merle’s faces at the surprising fact that Taako knows his obscure languages.

“Come a bit closer!” the goblin calls, clearly at a loss for how to handle the bizarre situation. “Show yourself!.”

“Come closer?”

“Come closer to the overpass.”

Taako thinks for a bit, then he says: “I will warn you, we’re very dangerous, although we mean _you_ no harm. I would not suggest launching an attack on us.”

“Well, uh, how dangerous are you? How dangerous are we talking.”

“Level… level 1. We're level 1 dangerous.”

If Merle could understand Goblin, he might have said something along the lines of, _ask the goblin we cut in half back there how dangerous we are!_ And Taako, longsufferingly exasperated, would have replied, _I was trying to build a rapport here,_ and really it’s probably a very good thing that Merle can’t understand Goblin and the whole awkward situation was averted, although it’s debatable how much of an improvement the answer '_Level 1_' is.

“Do you have gold in here?” Taako asks, because he can’t think of anything else to ask, and because he’s happy to champion bold moves when something expensive and shiny is at stake. Once he says it, however, it occurs to him it might be a bit too bold, and so he continues: “Sorry, I — where are we?”

“You’re in our hideout! You know, you’re making me extremely uncomfortable. I don’t know who you are, or what you’re doing. We’re looking for new recruits, but — _seeing_ you is definitely part of the interview process!”

“My name is Taako. A friend of ours was taken, and his horses were killed.”

“Oooooh.”

“We’re searching for our friend.”

“Oh, shit. Yeah, we did that. HEY GUYS! SOMEONE’S HERE! GUYS! IT’S THE GUYS FROM THE HORSE THING!”

You don’t need to understand Goblin in order to understand that someone done fucked up, and you’re about to be attacked by a horde of tiny goblins.

“Use mage hand!” Magnus cries out. “Use mage hand and push him off! Push him off the thing with your mage hand!”

No one rushes to the goblin’s aid, either up on the rock bridge or down on the adventurers’ level. They do hear, however, extremely loud banging noises, and more voices that only Taako can understand (’Really?’ ‘You heard him!’), and then even more banging.

Magnus moves to the passage opening where the voices are coming from, shield raised, ready to swing his axe into anyone who comes down it. Merle adds to Magnus’s shield with a holy spell that increases the chances of attacks on Magnus missing completely. The goblin on the overpass bridge sees Merle do this, decides that attacking the heavily shielded fighter is a fool's errand, and attacks Merle instead with an arrow from his shortbow.

The arrow finds its mark, slashing Merle’s shoulder. While Merle hisses in pain and rotates his shoulder to make sure he still has full range of movement, Taako casts a Ray of Frost right at the goblin above them, sending it stumbling back and almost falling off the edge of the bridge.

They hear a noise down the passage Magnus is guarding, a noise like something has just come crashing down, and then the telltale sound of rushing water.

Magnus’s very first thought goes to the wolves, and whether their small cavern is high enough that they won’t drown. His very next thought is that the stream beside them has swelled up and the current has gotten much faster.

“Tits,” he mutters under his breath, and moves back to join the others. He draws the shortbow he looted from one of the dead goblins in the woods and looses an arrow that pierces the goblin above them right in the chest.

“Wow,” the goblin gurgles in Goblin, “you guys weren’t kidding.”

Then he falls off the rocky bridge, limply, into the rushing stream.

“Kudos all around!” says Magnus. “High five!”

No one high fives him. The goblin may be dead, there may no longer be any monsters, but the sound of rushing water doesn’t stop, and all three adventurers turn to stare upriver.

"So," says Magnus, "let's, uh, delay those high fives until we're on higher ground."

Merle tries to scale the rocky, craggy surface up ten feet to reach the rocky bridge overhead. It does not work; the moisture makes the rock slippery, Merle’s injured shoulder gives out, and he lands hard on his ass.

“Taako, hurry, we’ve got to do this,” Magnus says, rushing forward to help Merle to his feet.

“You look damaged,” Taako remarks calmly to Merle. “If you have some sort of way of _healing_ yourself, be sure to explore that, you know, because you’re _injured._” He looks up at the overpass, and announces to the others as if he's the host of a popular talk show: “I will now attempt the same climb that felled my friend Merle. I have no athletic ability. Here we go!”

Before the others can object, or even have time to process what Taako said, Taako scurries easily up the craggy surface and flips onto the overpass without any difficulty.

It’s uncommon to find a competent wizard who is also well-versed in, as Taako calls it, ‘sweet flips’; however, Taako never fancied himself an ordinary wizard. Everything he does, he does with style. “First-timer’s luck, huh?” he calls down with a smile.

The rock sways a little underneath him, but holds fast. Barely a moment later, a huge wave of water washes down into the cavern with immense speed and strength, taking both Magnus and Merle off their feet. It sweeps them down past the other side of the overpass, and back down the cave tunnel. Taako, safe on his rocky perch, watches all of this unfold with no small degree of amusement; he hasn’t worked with Magnus and Merle for long, but it’s been long enough for him to know that a little thing like a tidal wave won’t kill them. When the water finally recedes, he calls down: “I’m fine! Don’t worry about me!”

Merle’s voice echoes weakly back. “You okay, Taako?”

“I'm fiiiine! Don’t worry about Taako!”

Down the cavern in the other direction, Taako hears more voices talking in fast Goblin.

“Did we get ‘em?”

“No!” Taako calls back. Then, very quickly: “Wait, let me try again — yes!”

“Which one is it? Make up your mind!”

“No, we _definitely_ got them!”

“Oh thank god. Should we come down there, or…? Is it cool? Do their drowned bodies look kind of cool?”

Taako has to take a moment to stop himself laughing. “I — I, uh, I got too horny from the killing, and I…”

“Oh no, not again, not _again_. We’re — we’re actually gonna stay up here, thanks, man.”

Taako smothers more snickering. “Yeah, don’t come in here!” he calls after them. “It’s private!”

He hears the goblins shuffling away, waits until he can’t hear them anymore, and then gives up trying to stifle his laughter. It echoes around the dripping rock walls, signalling clearly to Magnus and Merle that the coast is finally clear.


	2. The Inevitable and Dramatic Climactic Fight

What otherworldly horrors will our adventurers face next

Let’s find out together in…  
… **T_he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

Magnus, Taako, and Merle regroup at the mouth of the cave — for a given definition of 'regroup'. 'Regroup' implies something dangerous and heroic. Magnus and Merle were flushed down to the entrance in the tidal wave, so they don’t move very far; meanwhile, Taako saunters over, experiencing no trouble whatsoever. And then they’re regrouped. They pause just long enough for Merle to heal up his shoulder injury, and to heal up the bruises and scratches both Merle and Magnus sustained from their drenched trip, and then they turn their attention back to the task at hand.

The dead goblin floats lazily down the stream and out into the woods, like Pooh sticks.

The adventuring trio make it back to the overpass and climb back up on top of it. This time, Merle has no trouble at all - in fact, Taako barely has time to turn around and make fun of them before Merle is right there next to him, brow raised in a ‘you got something to say?’ sort of expression. Taako decides he has nothing to say. Once Magnus joins them, fumbling a little along the way, they move in the direction of the smell of cooking meat and the sound of friendly conversation.

The passageway cuts into the cave a short distance, with dim firelight flickering at the far end.

Merle looks between Magnus's weapons and armour, and Taako's robe and pointed hat. Even if one ignores that Taako is easily the stealthiest of the three, the _clunk_ of Magnus’s weapons and armour would have given them away faster than Magnus rushing into a tiny cavern full of possibly violent wolves.

“Taako, would you go investigate?” Merle asks.

“Gladly.”

Taako creeps forward towards the firelight alone, and peeks silently around the corner. There’s a large chamber split into two sections — a ground level where three goblins sit around a fireplace roasting a leg of… something, probably something bestial in nature, and a natural stone staircase leading up to some sort of stage about ten feet off the ground, upon which another goblin rummages through a crate. On the edge of that stage, Taako sees an unconscious human man.

If Taako were aware the reference was there to make, he might have said the unconscious human man looked a bit like [Tom Arnold](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000792/), a well-known American actor and comedian. It’s difficult for him to tell much more than that from below.

Taako waves Magnus and Merle over, in spite of the noise risk; miraculously, none of the goblins notice their approach. After taking in the scene, Magnus gives Taako a polite little ‘after you!’ bow, and Taako launches a three-dart magic missile at the goblin on top of the rocky precipice.

It's a successful surprise attack. All of the goblins are suitably surprised.

Their leader is knocked back off its feet with a startled cry, but recovers far more quickly than is fair. Magnus steps out and shoots an arrow at the goblin before it can think about counterattacking, and it falls off the edge of the stage with the arrow protruding from its chest, stone dead. Merle follows Magnus out into the cavern proper and attacks the closest goblin with a long swing of his warhammer, dazing it, hopefully giving it a massive concussion, even though it doesn’t go down. It swings back, and misses completely. One of the other goblins takes the time to scurry up the wall towards the unconscious human man, grab him by the scruff of the neck, and dangle him precariously over the edge of the rocky precipice.

“Put,” it snaps in the Common language, “your weapons, _down_.”

Merle, Taako, and Magnus all freeze. Or, if not _freeze_, they at least hesitate and look at each other, confused about how to handle a situation in which the goblins have threatened them back.

“The three of you strike me as businessmen,” says the goblin shrewdly. “Is that a fair assumption? I don’t think anyone in this room wants to get stabbed any more than we already have. So I have a proposition for you.”

The trio look at each other some more.

“Uh, okay,” says Taako. “Hit us.”

“I will let you leave this cave, with your Barry Bluejeans, alive, and unharmed, if you do me one small favour.”

“What is it?”

“I want you to depose our current employer. His name is Klarg. I want you to help me, help you, help me. Now, I know you’re wondering, ‘what’s in it for me?’ I — I’ve already told you this, it is Barry Bluejeans. I will give you Barry Bluejeans. Alive, and well.”

Taako murmurs quietly to Magnus and Merle: “Do you guys have any idea who Barry Bluejeans is?"

“I’m almost certain he was what’s-his-face’s buddy,” Magnus murmurs quietly back.

“He was,” Merle confirms. “That was the mercenary Gundren hired. His bodyguard, remember?”

Recognition dawns slowly on Taako’s face. “_Oh_,” he and Magnus both intone at the same time.

Magnus clears his throat and steps forward. “Excuse me, sir, goblin, sir?”

“Yes?”

“_Why_?”

“I’m sorry, what is your name? How rude of me.”

“Uh, Magnus Burnsides, The Hammer,” Magnus answers, using a nickname that he must have picked up while in the cave, because Taako and Merle certainly have never heard it before. “And what is your name, sir?”

“Well,” says Merle, “my name is —”

“No, not you! I know your name.”

“Oh, sorry.”

The goblin draws itself up. “You can call me Yeemick.”

“Yeemick?” Merle repeats with a frown.

“Yeemick. Yeemick the goblin.”

“Yeemick,” says Magnus, like he’s testing the name on his own tongue, and decides it’s not worth following up on. “Yeemick, why do you want us to murder Klarg? Is it a power grab?”

“Let’s call him a new hire? A transfer, from…”

Merle grins. “Home office?”

“Home office, yes. Let’s just say that there are certain goblins in this institution who are not Klarg’s biggest fan.”

The other two goblins on the floor nod and confirm this with quiet ‘yeah, fuck that guy’ and ‘yeah, for real though’ whispers.

“I have a question,” Taako pipes up. “I hate to interrupt. Is he far away?”

“Oh, no, he’s in this very cave. In a_ lofty_ antechamber.”

Magnus says: “Where were you educated, sir? You are very well-spoken.”

“I went to Harvardd.”

“Very patronising,” Taako mutters.

Magnus looks at him. “What? No, I’m respectful.”

“On the other side,” Yeemick interrupts, “we can continue this fight, and I will drop Barry Bluejeans to his death.”

“Frankly,” Magnus offers, “I see this offer as a win-win for everyone.”

Yeemick nods. “I agree wholeheartedly.”

“Especially Barry,” Taako adds, laughing.

“Especially Barry,” Magnus agrees. “It seems like you get what you want, and we get what we want.”

Barry Bluejeans, who’s easier to see now that he’s being dangled over the edge and illuminated by the firelight from below, looks extremely bad. He’s breathing, clearly breathing, but also beat to hell and aggressively injured.

“I just don’t see what _we_ get out of this,” says Taako, making no effort to keep his voice down or confer quietly at a volume Yeemick can’t hear.

“Well, it’s what we were going to do anyways, right?” Magnus answers. “We were going to take out the boss-man.”

Taako looks like this is brand-new information. “I thought we were just delivering something!”

“But we need Barry Bluejeans to find out what happened to the other dude.”

“Everyone needs a Barry Bluejeans,” Yeemick agrees, nodding sagely.

Merle shrugs his shoulders. “Alright. I say we agree to his terms,” he says simply.

Taako grumbles quietly, but offers no other objection.

“But first, before we agree to anything,” Magnus says, taking a firm lead again, “we’re going to need Barry Bluejeans brought back over the edge. I need some indication that this is not a trap.”

“I’m not going to murder Barry Bluejeans.”

“Then pull him back from over the edge and we can talk about this."

“Would he be of any use in our efforts against Klarg?” asks Merle.

The trio look at Barry Bluejeans in all his unconscious, aggressively injured glory. The answer Merle silently arrives at is no, probably not. “You know what,” he says, “just leave him on the stage and join us, big fellow.”

Yeemick rests Barry on the edge of the precipice, somewhere he’s relatively safe, but could still be kicked over fairly easily.

“What happened to his travelling companion?” Magnus asks.

“Oh, I don’t know anything about that. I’m pretty sure he was alone. … Riding two horses. Astride two horses. Look at him, he’s a mountain of a man, as you can tell.”

“Yeemaw — meemaw? What what your name? Yeemick.” Magnus clears his throat. “May we rest by your fire and partake of some of this delicious-looking haunch before we go kill Klarg?”

“No, I am going to need you to — to get this show on the road, as we say at Harvardd.”

“What’s in the box?” Magnus asks, gesturing at the crate on the stage the dead goblin had been rifling through earlier.

“Stuff,” answers Yeemick. “Go fucking kill Klarg.”

“Where do we go?” says Merle.

“Oh, he’s — you can go across the overpass. We had that overpass put in earlier this year in a bit of cave renovation.”

“Alright,” says Taako reluctantly, “fine, let’s go.”

“Goodbye!” Yeemick calls cheerfully. “Have fun! Bring me his head!”

Back out on the overpass, out of sight and out of earshot of the goblins behind them, Magnus stops and turns to the others. “I don’t trust this situation,” he says.

“Yeah, no _shit_!” Taako answers.

“Okay, cool, I just wanted to make sure we’re all on the same page.”

“Great job, Angela Lansbury! I don’t know how you pieced _that_ one together! He seemed so nice!”

“Is there some way for us to kill both Klarg and this dude?”

“Oh, yeah,” says Merle. “We’re going to.”

“Yeah, I thought we were killing everybody,” Taako agrees with a nod. “I thought that was _implied_.”

Merle nods enthusiastically. “As soon as Meemawk turns his back — Yeemick, whatever —”

Having agreed on this salient point, the trio move on, crossing the overpass in the other direction, towards the sound of a large waterfall.

If any of them had paused to wonder who Angela Lansbury was, they might have realised none of them, not even Taako, had the slightest idea. They may have wondered what sort of reference Taako was trying to make. Taako himself might have come to the conclusion that it was some strange new nickname he was trying out. Unfortunately, whatever mysterious force brought Angela Lansbury to Taako’s mind was also responsible for ensuring that Magnus, Taako, and Merle continued on without giving the strange event any thought or speculation whatsoever.

~~~~

Merle, Magnus, and Taako find themselves on a high ledge overlooking a large cavern.

Down in the chamber, they can see two man-made pools of water built out of giant log towers damming up the waterfall. At the front of each pool is a gate, which is probably what flooded the lower tunnel earlier. There are a couple of goblins visible working on one of the gates, and not much else.

They decide maybe they don’t need to kill _everyone,_ and creep along the ledge instead of confronting the goblins down near the waterfall.

They come to another chamber, from which a deep baritone voice shouts orders.

“Does he sound rather Klarg-y?” Merle asks softly.

The others silently agree. Without casting aspersions or judging a book by its cover, it sounds _exactly_ like the sort of voice that might belong to a creature called Klarg. Any other sounds that might be coming from Klarg’s chamber are drowned out by the roar of the waterfall feeding the stream that leaves the cave.

When the trio carefully move closer towards endgame, they can make out the dim shadow of a very, very large creature, much larger than any of the goblins they’ve encountered thus far. It’s difficult to make out anything more about the enigmatic Klarg without climbing the worn hewn steps that lead up into the antechamber, however, and getting any closer risks Klarg noticing them.

Taako speaks first, slowly and quietly. “Okay, listen, guys. Here’s what I’m thinking. What if, rather than try to fight Klarg, we see if we can trade the information that we have in exchange for Barry?”

Merle frowns at him. “Like tell him that…?”

“We say we know that he has someone in his organisation who asked us to kill him, we’ll let him in on that, but he has to promise to let Barry go with us?”

“I like that,” Magnus decides.

“I like it too,” says Merle. “But I think we need to work from a position of strength. Why don’t we do something that makes him think we’re real, real badasses, so he’ll think twice and maybe consider the offer?”

“Um —” says Magnus.

“Could I use the spell I used before to illuminate the axe? Cast that spell on something, as a visual?”

“You think he’s never seen _light_ before?”

“Well, if something all of a sudden starts to glow…”

Taako nods enthusiastically. “No, I think this is a good idea. I can use prestigitation at the same time and create a shower of sparks.”

“And I’ll build a chair with my carpentry skills,” Magnus says, trying not to feel left-out. The others bite back quiet laughter.

“I say you draw a bead on Big Boy with your shortbow,” suggests Merle.

“OK.”

With no further discussion, the trio stride into the cavern together, shoulder-to-shoulder. Merle shoots light beams all over the walls, Taako showers sparks all over the place, Magnus strikes a terribly imposing pose with his shortbow steadied and trained directly forward. Taako, feeling more confident than he might usually, calls out: “Hey, jerk!”

They might have struck an impressively badass visual, if it isn't for the fact that the moment they cross the threshold, a wolf charges from their left and chomps on Merle’s neck.

Klarg turns to stare at them, amazed. As it turns out, Klarg is not, in fact, a goblin. He’s a six-and-a-half foot tall furry and musclebound humanoid, and _he_ looks pretty badass too.

Merle moves with the wolf and throws it off behind him. Magnus doesn’t _want_ to take the wolf out; he wants to continue his habit of trying to befriend every single thing capable of killing them. But the wolf _did_ attack them first, and they _are_ trying to establish themselves as badasses to Klarg, so Magnus picks the stunned wolf up, hoists it over his head, and throws it into the nearby fire pit.

The wolf manages to land on its feet in the fire, but given that it still landed in fire, it looks quite perturbed.

Magnus points at Klarg. “Call him off!”

“_You threw my wolf in the fire!_”

“And I’ll do worse if you don’t stop him!”

“But he’s my favourite wolf! And you threw him in the fire!”

“Then call him off or lose him forever!”

“But he’s my — you threw him in the fire, though!”

“He attacked my friend! I say we’re even!”

“_I_ attacked your friend!”

“Then you’ll meet the same fate!”

“You can’t pick me up! I’m way bigger than the wolf was!”

With their original plan spinning wildly out of control, Merle cuts in. “Fellas, fellas, fellas,” he says. “We came here to _talk_.”

Klarg rounds on him. “You should have thought about that before _throwing my dog in the fire_!”

“Well, you shouldn’t have had your dog jump on my ass!”

“_Please_,” says Taako, drawing the word out in what could semi-accurately be described as a pleading tone.

The wolf scurries out of the fire pit and, still partially on fire, makes a running attack at Magnus, which completely misses, probably due to the fact that the wolf is now on fire and that can’t possibly be fun. Two of the surrounding goblins fire arrows at Magnus and Taako, and Magnus tries to block both with his shield. It partially deflects one. The second buries itself in Magnus’s arm.

Taako looks around at the goblins, the smoldering wolf, and the giant hairy form of Klarg, and decides that is _quite_ enough of _that_. He casts a neat little spell he affectionately calls ‘Charm Person’ on Klarg, and waits to see if Klarg is humanoid enough for the spell to work.

The change, when it happens, is obvious. Klarg relaxes, almost seems to shrink a little down to their level, and loses all the aggression evident in his musclebound form only seconds before. _Excellent_, Taako thinks; that gives them an hour before the spell wears off and Klarg wants to kill them even more than he already did.

“Klarg!” Taako calls. “Call them off!”

“Call — sorry, who?”

Even Klarg’s voice has changed. Whereas before, it had been deep and guttural and full of barely-checked rage, now it's smooth, full of all the light and considerable charm that a six-and-a-half foot tall furry musclebound humanoid is capable of.

“All the bad —! Call the wolf off!”

“Oh, sure! Percival? Percival, come to daddy.”

The wolf, now no longer on fire and only smoldering slightly, trots back over to Klarg’s side.

“Klarg,” says Taako, matching Klarg’s light and considerable charm, “my name is Taako.”

“It’s a pleasure. It’s really, really, super great to meet you.”

“I feel like we’ve known each other for ages.”

“I feel that way too! Do you need any money, or anything? Can I just give you all of the things I have?”

“There will be time for that,” answers Taako, smiling. “Listen. We have a situation we wanted to loop you in on --”

“Do you guys want a treat? You’ve been in my cave for a while now, do you want some Oolong?”

“Uh, no, no Oolong for us, thanks, we don’t have much time. Actually about 59 minutes. So listen, we have a situation. One of your employees, Yaoi, said to —”

“No,” says Merle, who isn’t completely sure why Klarg is suddenly being friendly to them, but would have bet everything he owned it had something to do with Taako’s magic. “I think it’s Meemaw.”

“Meemaw?” asks Taako, frowning. “Weeman. He told us that — well, first of all, he has our friend, Barry Bluejeans, held captive.”

“You know Barry,” Merle chimes in.

“That was — I _did_ — yes,” stutters Klarg, sounding now like he very much regrets it. “I _may_ have…”

“Yes,” says Taako, “we figured.”

“Water under the bridge,” nods Magnus.

“Water under the bridge,” Taako agrees. “Listen, your friend wanted us to… I know this is going to be hard to hear, but —”

“Are you sure you don’t want any tea? I have a delicious Earl Grey that —”

“58 minutes, Klarg, focus. He tried — he wanted us to, believe it or not, kill… Well, you. Kill you.”

Klarg frowns. “That doesn’t sound like… are we talking about the same Yeemick? Sorry, I think I understand what the problem is. I employ several Yeemicks.”

“Klarg,” says Taako, “look at me.” He spreads his hands with a winning smile. “It’s Taako. This is Taako talking.”

“I…”

“Would I lie to you?”

Klarg hesitates, then heaves a heavy sigh. “I guess I’ve known all along,” he says, forlorn.

“Look at this face, Klarg. It’s me, Taako. Listen — we want Barry back, we want to kill this bad guy that wants to kill you, we want our friend Barry, and we want — we’d like _some_ gold. Like, _some_ gold, like a _little_ gold.”

“For our trouble,” Merle chimes in.

“For our trouble!”

“And if it’s not such a big deal,” Magnus adds, “it would be great to know what happened to our other friend. Gundren.”

“What do you say, Klarg?” Taako asks with another one of his winning smiles.

Klarg considers. “I think that we can come to a very agreeable conclusion to this entire misunderstanding," he decides. "Give me just one moment.”

“Sure.”

Klarg goes over to a very large desk near one of the cavern’s rocky walls, and pulls a rock out of the wall, revealing a small hole. “Yeemick,” he says into the hole, “can I see you in my office, please?” Then he puts the rock back in.

“Klarg,” says Taako, “just a heads-up, he’s going to know something’s up, when he sees…”

“No, totally,” Klarg says, nodding both enthusiastically and understandingly. “Listen, Yeemick talks a big game, but he really is as sweet as cherry pie. You have nothing to worry about, trust me.”

The trio exchange glances.

“I say we move to either side of the door —” Magnus starts.

“What about if we pretend we’re captives?” Merle says at the same time. “Or dead? Can we feign death?”

Taako lies down on the ground, ready and prepared to pretend to be dead.

Klarg laughs. “I’m telling you, this level of chicanery is not… I do feel like you’re embarrassing yourself a little bit, but if you want to lie on the floor and play child games, then —”

“Tell it to my ghoooost,” Taako orders.

“Can I play with your dog?” asks Magnus.

“Oh my god,” says Merle, exasperated, “he _won’t give up on the dog_.”

“Absolutely not,” Klarg answers. “You did throw him in a — listen, I love you guys, you’re my oldest and dearest friends, and you threw my dog in a goddamn fire.”

Merle, Magnus, and Taako move silently to either side of the cavern’s entrance so that Yeemick, when he walks in, does not immediately see them. It works, at least at first; Yeemick and his small gang of small goblins walk in to Klarg’s cavern without anyone noticing the adventurers. Unfortunately, every goblin that walks in has its weapon drawn.

“Oh, Yeemick,” says Klarg, spreading his considerably large arms, “I have heard the most fascinating story about you.”

Without a word, Yeemick fires an arrow at Klarg. The arrow pierces Klarg’s chest exactly as intended. Klarg reels back a step, and he says, very mildly, “Oh, so it’s true then,"; then he pulls from his desk both a morning star and a javelin, like an arrow sticking out of his chest is a minor inconvenience at best.

The other goblins in the cavern, the goblins who had been with Klarg when the trio of adventurers first came in, go to stand behind Yeemick, siding boldly with the seditionist movement. They regret this decision almost instantly when Klarg bears down on Yeemick with the large morning star, smashing Yeemick into bloody flesh paste on the ground, and he sends the other goblins scattering away in fear as they realise exactly how strong their adversary is.

“Glad we charmed him,” Magnus mutters.

Merle takes the opportunity to cast some healing magic on Magnus’s arrow wound from earlier, with a triumphantly muttered “You’re welcome.”

Magnus steps out from the shadows. “Your leader is dead!” he calls to the four remaining goblins. “Put down your weapons!”

The goblins, completely un-intimidated, heft their weapons.

Magnus swings his battleaxe one-handed at the nearest goblin, cleaving it in two. The wolf charges at another goblin and tackles it to the ground, ripping in to its throat. The last two goblins decide that they are _now_ thoroughly intimidated, and they both try to scurry down the stone chimney into the cave below, but one gets hilariously stuck on the way, ending the fight practically before it begins. The battle doesn’t end in triumph or chaos so much as it ends in a very unconventional, very confusing semi-draw.

“Way to go, team!” cheers Merle.

“Boy, I wish I hadn’t needed to murder them,” Klarg laments.

“Klarg, old buddy, we’re going to search them for valuables, is that cool with you?” asks Taako.

“You know, I suppose so. It’s going to —”

“Excellent, thanks Klarg, I appreciate it.”

“— OK.”

In Yeemick’s pockets, they find a sack full of golden teeth, which could be sold in town for a pretty penny. As they search, Klarg says: “Oh, I forgot, I promised you guys so much… _so_ much money.”

“And there was talk of tea?” says Magnus, raising his head hopefully.

“Oh, yes!” Klarg gets visibly excited. “Do you want — I have so much! I have so much to share!”

“You know what,” Taako says, “a cup of Oolong would be a delight.”

“Scones? Do you have scones?” asks Merle.

Klarg looks positively devastated. “Oh my god, no, no, I — I can run out and get you some?”

“No no no, I — I’m diabetic, I couldn’t eat them anyway.”

“I just feel so terrible!”

“You looked like a scone guy, that’s all.”

Klarg brings out three mugs of the most delicious, most aromatic Oolong tea any of the adventurers had ever tasted, as well as a small chest containing a lot of copper and silver, a small jade statuette of a frog, and two potions of healing. “That’s about all there is, guys, I don’t feel too bad about that, you just significantly reduced my company’s overhead —!” He has a long, hearty laugh.

Merle grins. “Just think, buddy, just those many fewer Candlenights bonuses you’ll have to fork up!”

“Oh, yeah. Recruitment is just a pain in the old hiney.”

And for the next half an hour, Merle, Taako, Magnus, and Klarg enjoy a surprisingly pleasant tea, amid the corpses of goblins and blood splatter on the ground.

~~~~

“Klarg,” says Taako, “we’re friends here…”

“Absolutely,” smiles Klarg. “_Best_ friends, I would say.”

Taako nods. “I would say that.”

“Lovers, maybe?”

Taako smiles. “Time will tell. What happened to, uh…”

“Gundren,” Merle murmurs.

“What happened to Gundren?”

“We actually gave him away.”

Merle stares. “_Gave_ him _away_?”

“I guess I can start from the beginning. We were hired, we were contracted, to collect Gundren and deliver him to the Black Spider. So that’s what we did, and that’s where he is, I imagine.”

“OK, what’s the Black Spider?” asks Taako.

“I don’t actually know, I’ve never met him. But I do know, I guess he loves dwarves. I guess he just likes having them.”

“Do you think you can mark on my map here where you left Gundren?”

“We actually delivered him to an envoy, to a representative for Mr Spider, here, at this cave.”

“Do you have a way of contacting the Black Spider?”

“The Black Spider typically contacts me, unfortunately. I do wish I could help you out in this regard, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do for you.”

Taako stands up from the makeshift table after finishing his tea and makes a show of yawning. “Listen, Klarg, this has been _so_ great.”

“I’ve had a fantastic time too. I did have to murder my employees, but…”

“They were going to murder you,” Magnus points out.

“They were going to murder me, weren’t they? You’re always right about things, Magnus.”

“Let’s not leave without making plans to get together again,” Merle suggests, half-jokingly.

“Can we have a hug?” Klarg asks, not jokingly at all.

“_No_. No.”

“Can one of you guys just give me a quick hug?”

“I say Magnus.”

“Magnus,” Taako agrees, nodding firmly. “This seems like a job for Magnus.”

Magnus looks surprised. “Oookay.”

Klarg takes Magnus into his arms and cradles him, and he is _so much_ softer than Magnus was expecting, and when the hug continues a little longer than any of them find strictly comfortable, Magnus tries to pull away, which is when Klarg begins moving his large hand in small slow little circles on Magnus’s back.

“OK, listen, we’ve got to be going,” says Taako quickly.

“Look at the time,” Merle adds, nodding, not pointing to a watch or clock because there are none in the cave and possibly aren’t any in the entire world.

“Are you both sure you don’t want a piece of this action also?” Klarg needles.

“Next time,” Taako nods, “for sure.”

He doesn’t say that, hopefully, there will never _be_ a next time.

“God,” says Merle the moment he’s completely sure they’re out of Klarg’s earshot, “that was _creepy_.”

They return to Barry Bluejeans, still lying on the edge of the rocky stage. They retrieve what are probably Barry’s possessions from the nearby crate, and then work to try and restore Barry to consciousness. They succeed, miraculously, even though Barry’s face and limbs still look heavily injured.

Barry, a solidly put-together man somewhere in his 50s, can barely speak through how badly his lips have swelled up. Very carefully, they give him one of their new potions of healing, trickling it slowly down Barry’s throat, and the injuries begin to mend on their own much faster than nature usually allows for.

“This is wonderful,” he croaks, “thank you. Thank you, you kind souls, I will never ever forget this kindness that you’ve done for me. My name is Barry J. Bluejeans.”

He speaks, oddly, like a recording — like the words he says, the sentiment and his name, are very important to say before he says anything else, like he hasn’t fully regained his cognitive faculties yet. Then he blinks up at them all, swallows hard, and tries to stand. “And I’m ready to _kick_ some goblin _ass_! Where did they go!?”

“Listen, all the asses have been kicked, dear Barry,” Taako tells him.

“You — you didn’t leave me _one_ ass?”

“There’s some stuff out in the weeds if you’re really interested in it,” says Merle.

“We have your clothes,” Taako says, holding them out.

Barry blinks at the proffered clothes. “I will take those,” he says with a slow and firm nod, “yes. These are my favourite clothes. My name’s Barry J. Bluejeans.”

Once again, his words sound like a recording. It makes for an awkward and slightly surreal few moments.

“Ironically, they _are_ blue jeans,” Merle says, pointing at the stiffened pair of pants.

“Yeah, no shit. Why do you think they call me that? Do you think that’s a family name?”

“Yep, I knew it,” says Merle. “He’s a douche. Barry’s a douche.”

“Guys, thank you so much. And that healing potion, that was so great, so smart, definitely the right thing to do.”

“We need to truck it on out of here,” Taako reminds them, “because Klarg’s going to wake up soon, and he’s going to remember what happened, and I don’t want to be here when that happens.”

Following Taako’s direction, the group gets the hell out of the cave, and not a moment too soon. All of them can hear, clear as day, the moment they emerge back out into sunlight and foliage, the telltale furious roar of a confused monster emanating from the depths of the cave behind them.

“Wait, what!? Ah, _**shit**_!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm sticking to the update schedule so far, which is pretty dang cool. Listening to the whole story from the beginning is nostalgic in a very sledgehammer kind of way.


	3. Wave Echoes and Jelly Monsters

Once again, the yawning portal opens before you

Abandon all hope, ye who enter…  
… **T_he Adventure Zone._**

** _~~~~_ **

Merle, Taako, Magnus, and Barry find the cart Magnus camouflaged in the woods way back at the beginning of the adventure. They apologise to Ruby the little dog for keeping her waiting, and then urge the oxen on towards the nearest civilised town — in this case, Phandalin.

As the wagon bumps peacefully along the country lane, Taako asks, “Barry, what the hell happened?”

“A lot of shit,” Barry answers, his head in his hands. “And it was all terrible. And if you gave me the option, I would _not_ do it again.”

As far as non-answers go, it’s certainly one of the more compelling ones. But when Barry looks up and sees the faint exasperation on the others’ faces, he takes a deep breath and goes on.

“OK, look. How much do you guys know? I guess let’s establish a baseline.”

“We know that Gundren was sold, or, or — or given to someone named the Black Spider, through an envoy."

“OK.”

“Yeah, you _lied to us_, in other words,” Merle chimes in, looking as grumpy as he sounds. He and Gundren aren’t best buddies, but he would have thought family merited more than some cock-and-bull story.

“We found your map,” Magnus adds, lying through his teeth, justified in this case because Barry still seems reluctant to explain any of what’s really going on. 

“Uh… did you? You found — so you found the map?”

“Oh, we know _all about_ the map. So what was really going on, Barry?”

Barry heaves a sigh. “OK, let’s start from the beginning. Gundren, and his two brothers, Tharden and Nundro —”

“Good friends of mine,” says Merle, which is also a lie, though maybe less through his teeth and more through pursed lips.

Barry blinks at him before comprehension dawns. “Oh, cousins! Right, I forgot all about that. The three of them have a… claim to the lost mine of Phandalin. They managed to find out where it is —”

“So why didn’t he tell us that right up front!?” demands Merle.

“Because he didn’t trust you guys. Why the hell would he trust you?”

“I’m his cousin!”

“Your _fourth_ cousin! Dwarves have, like, eight hundred cousins, so you’re basically perfect strangers!”

Merle grunts in a tone that is somehow both objection and agreement.

“I don’t know who this Black Spider is, but I’d _love_ to give him a piece of my mind.” Barry shifts to try and stand in the swaying cart, and immediately grimaces. “After I rest. For about two months.”

Merle scoffs.

“Listen, I’ve partied pretty hard before in my life — I’m gonna need to sleep this one off.”

“It sounds to me like we’ve got no leads on the Black Spider,” Magnus muses.

Barry bristles, offended at the implication that he would not be able to track Gundren down on his own. “Listen,” he says, “it’s not my first goddamn time at the bodyguard rodeo, is it, _Magnus_?”

“Then let me ask you this, Barry,” says Taako. “Do you need to go back to town?”

“I would _love_ to go back to town. If we can go back there, let me get a few sips of the old hooch, and maybe a short rest, just give me like a fifteen-minute power nap…”

They decide to go back to town, both for Barry’s right to continue living and, unrelated, to see if they can find any leads on where Gundren was taken. The only person who doesn’t seem happy to pursue this course of action is Merle, who huffs in a manner that makes even the nearby trees seem passive-aggressive.

“Why are you beefing now?” asks Barry, irritated.

“No, look, I’ll go along with the majority, that’s fine.”

Magnus looks at him. “Would you rather stay here, where we know nothing, and nothing is going on?”

“No, no, you’re right as always, it’s fine. Let’s go to town! Yay, town.”

As the group rides off in the wagon towards Phandalin, any outside observers might have noted that Merle, Taako, Magnus, and Barry act more like bickering toddlers who have known each other their entire lives than like professionals who have just survived a harrowing experience and still have someone to go rescue. Luckily, no outside observers exist, which means the gross breach of professionalism goes entirely unnoticed.**_  
_**

~~~~

The tavern and inn in Phandalin are both much nicer than any of the adventurers and bodyguard expect, given that Phandalin used to be an abandoned mining town. Now, it seems the town is on the up and up. There’s good beer and good food in the tavern, nice clean rooms in the inn, and a general atmosphere that doesn’t feel like it’s going to turn lethally dangerous the moment someone knocks over a potted plant.

Barry changes into fresh clothes from the belongings the others recovered for him, because, as he says, he smells like a wet dog. Merle stays in the inn, just to make sure Barry doesn’t decide to cut and run. Then they both reconvene with the others in the tavern to discuss their next move.

“Like I said,” says Barry, who is anxious to get going and preserve his reputation as a bodyguard who does not allow his customers to get dwarfnapped, “that map, that was a fake. The real map - and this is really great, you guys are going to love this — the real map is _inside_ that goddamn dwarf.”

“Yuck?” says Merle.

“No, it’s not like, in his butt, or anything —”

“Is it like Fifth Element style?” asks Magnus.

“No, it wasn’t love the whole time.”

“OK.”

Fortunately, no one can hear them well enough to wonder what the hell _Fifth Element_ is, or the group may have been distracted from their goal far more than they already were.

Barry pulls out a parchment that is completely blank, thanking his lucky stars the goblins and Klarg didn’t get their hands on it, and flattens it out on the table. “That dwarf, his _blood_ is actually the map. His _blood_. Isn’t that great? You ever heard anything like that before?”

“Wow,” says Merle, trying to decide if that was something he, as a family member, should have been aware of or not. 

“Yeah!”

“What the _hell_ are you talking about?”

“He gave me a vial —” Barry digs around in his box. “He gave me a vial of his blood —” Barry upends the entire box on the table. There are various and sundry items spread before them, including replacement glasses, clothes, bandages, medicines, spare parchment, and far more spare weapons than even a bodyguard would realistically need — but no vials.

“Never mind then,” says Barry, downcast. “I may not have a way to find him if we can’t find this… this blood. _Shit_.”

“Well,” says Merle, “I’m a cousin. Would my blood work?”

Barry stares at him. “That,” he says, “is not a bad idea! Can I, uh, can I borrow your hand there for a second?”

Merle looks like he _instantly regrets_ making the suggestion. “I’d be a little more comfortable if you let _me_ decide where the blood was going to come from.”

“I mean, just make sure you get a lot. And make sure it’s good blood.”

“When you say a lot - ”

“Tell me about your cholesterol.”

“… Not good. But not bad. It’s the, uh… it’s the good cholesterol for dwarves.”

Merle takes the very unsanitary-looking knife on the table, takes a deep breath, and pricks his finger. Either the parchment is enchanted to react to Rockseeker blood, he decides, or Barry is just a giant prick. As a cleric, Merle knows how and where to cut so that a good amount of blood drips off his finger, and with every drop of blood that spills onto the parchment, a shape fills out on the map.

It takes a few minutes. Barry gets increasingly impatient with each passing second.

“Can we cut more?” he asks flatly. “Can we do more holes? I thought you guys were big brave heroes, and it’s like a child getting a booster shot over here.”

“Eat me, Barry.”

Eventually, the map fills out completely, in darkened red-brown shapes which, when superimposed onto a normal map, the group works out is pointing towards the Sword Mountains, about a day’s ride from Phandalin. Merle’s blood forms a circle around several foothills at the base of those mountains.

“I’ll be a son of a bitch,” says Barry, squinting at the map.

“How do we know that’s where Gundren is?” asks Merle. 

“If he was taken by the Black Spider, I’m assuming that they were going to take him to this cave. You gotta understand, this is the Rockseekers’ birthright, this cave. This is an area of tremendous power, and they see it as their birthright. It belongs to them, but they're probably not the only ones looking for it. So, uh, if the Black Spider took ‘em, I guarantee you he takes ‘em here.”

“How far are the Sword Mountains from where we’re at?” asks Taako.

“A day. A day’s ride.”

“So we need to get some horses,” Magnus says.

“Oh, you can use my cart, if you want,” Barry offers.

“Do you want to come with us, Barry?” Taako asks.

“I… really need to rest.”

“Barry, it would look bad if you let your charge — if you didn’t rescue them,” says Taako, who figures that the more blades between him and the bad guys, the better.

“It would look super bad if I just, like, _died_.”

They all burst into laughter.

“Let me pitch you this,” Barry goes on, “it’s going to be equally bad for my career if I just _fucking_ die.”

“That’s a good point,” says Merle, “so maybe you can pay us part of your commission if we go —”

“Yeah!” Taako agrees. “I think he should cut us in if we’re gonna rescue this guy. You give us half of whatever you’re being paid to guard him.”

“If you can find this cave,” Barry says, his voice low, almost conspiratorial, “you are not going to have to worry about money ever, _ever_ again.”

Magnus raises his brow. “Because we’ll die?”

“No. Well — maybe. I’m not a psychic.”

“OK,” says Merle, “but you’ve got to give us the map.”

“Oh, sure. I mean, it’s your blood. Fuck it.”

“Before we go, is there anything else you can tell us about the Black Spider, or this cave, or…?” asks Magnus.

“I haven’t met this Black Spider. But the cave… the cave is called Wave Echo Cave, and I know that’s a silly name, but it’s just what they call it, I didn’t come up with it.”

“Is Black Spider a nickname, or it like… a giant black spider?”

“I…”

“He’s never heard of him,” Taako interjects, “why are you asking him?”

“I’m not good with spiders.”

“Or paying attention, apparently.”

“Spiders are pretty small, right?” Barry muses. “So I don’t know how that guy would be able to kidnap and extort and shit if he’s just a little spider.”

_Famous last words_, no one says, as the three adventurers — the Tres Horny Boys, if you will — pack up and head out to Wave Echo Cave.

~~~~

The dwarven blood map, on top of looking like the slipknot on a heavy metal album cover, turns out to be completely accurate. They make it to Wave Echo Cave in good time, tucked away in a corner of the foothills at the base of the Sword Mountains, and the reason for the name becomes obvious as they approach. The sounds drifting from within sound like the distant crashing of waves on a shore.

Almost immediately, they come across signs of the cave’s rich history as a mine for magical ores. The walls of the entry tunnel are practically luminous, eradicating Magnus’s need for a torch, and Taako’s neck prickles at the sensation of latent magical energy hanging in the air. Almost hidden behind a column of rock in the first open cavern, they come across a set of bedrolls and supplies, littered with mining gear.

Among the makeshift camp, they find the body of a dwarf. Merle rolls it over onto its back, fearing the worst, and recognises the corpse as his cousin Tharden. Tharden Rockseeker. Not Gundren, but still family.

While Merle is occupied with quiet grief, Taako notices that the boots Tharden are wearing are enchanted. He debates pointing this out to the others; then, with a careful glance at Merle to make sure Merle isn’t looking, he slips the boots off of Tharden’s body and examines them a little more closely. He elbows Magnus silently, and passes them over. Magnus, surprised, gives Merle a cautious look of his own, then carefully swaps them onto his feet. Immediately, he can feel the effects, like he can run faster, jump higher, and maybe even do a flip in the air like he couldn’t do before.

Merle, still absorbed in saying goodbye to Tharden, does not notice any of this.

At the back of the cavern, and at the bottom of a pit, there’s another tunnel. Magnus jumps down, Merle climbs down, and Taako uses one of Tharden’s pickaxes to climb down next to them. The tunnel, as they walk down it, is almost perfectly square, suggesting that it’s manmade; piles of rubble litter the ground along their journey. 

_Squelch. Squelch. Squelch._

Behind them, they hear the sounds of something very decidedly not human stalking them.

_Squelch. Squelch. Splooch._

Without a word spoken, they all quicken their pace.

The tunnel lets out onto a large natural stone outcropping, overlooking a giant spring at least ten stories down. A giant, glowing stalactite hangs above the spring, and large drops of water periodically fall from the stalactite into the pool. Each time one of the drops lands, it creates a disproportionately large wave of water, rippling loudly all the way to the edge with tremendous force. The outcropping is blanketed in shimmering, multicoloured moss and mushrooms, growing in the slick moisture. And at one edge of the outcropping, there’s a wooden elevator, a relic of a flourishing mine.

The mushrooms are reacting to them, Taako notices with a frown. Every time one of the trio shifts, the mushrooms all seem to quiver a little bit.

“Guys,” Taako says, very quietly. He points down. “I think they’re alive.”

“Hail and well-met, mushrooms,” Magnus greets them with a grin and a wave.

As Magnus says it, a group of the mushrooms right at his feet shoot a cloud of spores straight up at his face. They make him want to sneeze, but the biological reaction is one he knows _definitely_ can't be good, so Magnus holds the sneeze in as best he can.

He gestures with one hand. “Be quiet,” he whispers to the other two.

A tiny cloud of spores shoots up to Magnus’s ankles, then drifts back down to the ground.

Merle points at the elevator behind them.

A giant, black, blobby mass falls onto the ground directly in front of the elevator, making a _squelch squelch splooch_ noise as it falls.

Almost before it hits rock, Taako spins on his heels, raises his hands, and volleys a Ray of Frost at it. It hits the ground hard behind Magnus, half-frozen, with an echoing _squelch squelch splooch_. The mushrooms, for some reason, do not react.

The giant, black, blobby mess is a little bigger than Merle, and miles more intimidating for the present moment in time. It’s like a sentient ochre jelly, or a sentient flubber, and Magnus loses no time in following up Taako's attack with a swing of his axe. That, unfortunately, is precisely the wrong move to make. When you drop some jelly on the counter while making a sandwich, you generally don’t stab at it with a knife in order to clean it up. Magnus, as a fighter with a fighter’s instincts, doesn’t think of this, and as a result, when he backs up, there are two ochre jellies looking none the worse for wear sitting squelchily on the rock instead of one. Mercifully, they're both still half-frozen from Taako’s spell; one can’t do much more than shudder, and the other one absorbs some of the fungus underneath it up into its translucent mass.

Taako throws a Magic Missile in their direction. Two glowing darts of energy pierce the jelly on the left, and one glowing dart of energy pierces the one with a penchant for absorbing fungus on the right. Merle follows up with a Sacred Flame on the fungus jelly, burning some more of it away.

One of the jellies waddles squelchily up to Merle, raises itself on its considerable gelatinous mass, and smashes itself into him. Merle falls under its jelly-like fist with a cry of pain, and Taako lobbies another Ray of Frost into it before it can suck Merle up like the fungus. The other jelly begins climbing up the wall of the cave towards the ceiling.

“You did a good job, Taako!” says Magnus, who wasn't quite fast enough to defend Merle from getting hit at all.

“Thank you!” says Taako. “I’m all magicked out!”

Clouds of spores shoot up into both Magnus and Taako’s faces.

Merle scrabbles out from under the jelly, frozen solid in place, and casts a Sacred Flame at the jelly climbing up the wall. With a palpable noise and a flash of orange-yellow light, the jelly slides down the wall, leaving gelatinous streaks down the rock. Magnus, anxious to try out his brand new boots, kicks the dead and frozen jelly off the bridge. It explodes in the air and falls gently onto the water below as a small swirl of snow. 

“That’s how we _do_!” crows Taako. Another cloud of spores shoots up into his face.

“Guys!” Magnus yells. “Stop talking!”

A cloud of spores shoots up into Magnus’s face. This time, it sends Magnus into an extremely painful-sounding coughing fit, which makes Taako shriek in terror, which makes massive groups of spores waft up and hang threateningly all around their faces.

_Squelch. Squelch. Splooch._

They all look around wildly, but they’ve completely lost track of where the remaining jelly went. The noises of its squelching echo in the cavern, utterly useless for pinpointing its location. Taako shoots a shower of sparks up into the air to see if he can light it up, or at the very least force it to react so they can see where it is. The sparks explode noiselessly in the air like silent fireworks, and freeze right at their apex. It’s a stunning display, but more importantly, it actually _does_ manage to illuminate the jelly hanging on the cliff face above Taako.

“Oh, _pretty_,” says Merle, awestruck. Spores shoot up into his face. He shrugs them off and throws a Sacred Flame up at the jelly, burning enough of it away so it rains down in large gelatinous chunks on top of both Merle and Taako. They both only just manage to leap out of the way in time.

There's a humanoid figure visible inside the jelly now. Magnus stands under it and holds his shield up, ready to catch whoever it is, and the remaining bits of the sentient ochre jelly smash into the shield before they get tossed carelessly aside onto the rock. Taako tries to lob one last Ray of Frost at the jelly, and only manages to make two small ice cubes that clatter loudly onto the ground at his feet. 

“Fuck!” he cries, sending another cloud of spores up into his face.

Merle, very flirtatiously, hits the jelly with his warhammer.

Fungus goes flying, jelly bits go splattering, and a dwarven figure goes rolling down the rock, crushing most of the potentially dangerous mushrooms to pieces before coming to a precarious stop near the edge overlooking the lake.

“That,” says Magnus with a giant grin, “was a very _sticky_ situation.”

Clearly, he believed the pun was well worth whatever damage the spores were doing to their respiratory systems, because he took his face full of spores like a man and even managed not to cough.

Taako picks up some of the mushrooms, which stop glowing the moment they leave the slippery rock. He hands one to Merle, and says in a whisper: “Hey, you look rough, you took some serious damage in that fight. Why not give this a whirl?”

“Trust me, I’m a wizard,” Magnus whispers back, laughing.

“Alright, I’ll eat one of them,” Merle agrees, cutting Magnus’s laughter off very abruptly. 

“_Uncooked_!?”

“Yeah, why not? I want to get all the benefits. Let’s see if it kills me.”

Dwarves have an infamous resistance to poison. If the mushrooms _do_ have any healing properties whatsoever, then Merle really is the best person to give them a try. It only makes sense. It _only makes sense_, Magnus reminds himself as Merle actually does eat the mushroom and every one of Magnus’s instincts scream that it’s a terrible idea.

The mushroom tastes delicious. It gives Merle a small buzz and a significant burst of energy. It does not, however, patch up any of his wounds. Well, Merle figures, that answers _that_ question, and he steps carefully over to the dwarven figure who had been, until very recently, trapped in the sentient ochre jelly.

It’s Nundro Rockseeker. The middle Rockseeker brother, another of Merle’s cousins, stone dead.

Merle is, understandably, shocked. Magnus puts a comforting hand on his shoulder and leads him a short distance away, then gestures at Nundro’s body behind his back where Merle won’t see it. Taako, who didn’t really _need_ the hint, but certainly appreciates the hint anyway, quietly searches the body. 

Nundro does not have any magical jumping boots; just a rucksack of mining supplies and a lockbox with some gold and an old key inside. Nundro also looks like he’s been dead for a very long time. Taako notes this, puts the lockbox surreptitiously into his bag, pushes the rucksack off the edge, and straightens up. “I don’t know, guys,” he calls out, spreading his hands, looking as innocent as it is possible for Taako to look at any given time. “They got it all, I guess, before now — ”

The cloud of spores in his face cuts him off for a while, as he becomes preoccupied with a painful coughing fit.

He holds up the small, rusted iron key. “There _was_ a key,” he manages, hoarse and soft. 

Magnus comes over so he can whisper. “Is that for the elevator?”

Taako nods. Merle snatches the key out of Taako’s hand, and he leads the way onto the rickety elevator, which takes them, very slowly, down to the ground of the cavern.

As they step out, the crashing of each disproportionately large wave in the spring splashes a little water onto their clothes and limbs. Magnus tests its drinking capabilities with a small handful, and instantly feels incredible. His wounds all stitch together, and his entire body thrums with motivational energy.

“Merle,” he says, wide-eyed. “Guys. You’ve _got_ to get in on this spring.”

All three of them drink as much of the water as they can manage, and they all feel the best they have ever felt in their entire lives. Merle immediately fills his waterskin with as much water as it can carry — but as he lifts it out, with the entire waterskin shining like a flashlight, the water dims further and further until it's dark and muddy.

“It’s not the water,” says Merle, staring sadly at the waterskin. “It’s the stone.”

“Can we take the stone with us?” Taako asks.

“You mean the entire cave?”

“No, I mean — maybe we can take just a little bit of the stone, like, chip a little out.”

“Maybe we should just sit here and enjoy the water for a while,” says Magnus.

Taako sighs. “Fiiiiine.”

And they do. They take a few minutes to steel themselves for whatever brutal challenge lies ahead, and then they soldier on.


	4. Killian, And Also That Black Spider Guy

Double double toil and trouble

We’re cooking up a fresh batch of danger for you in…  
… **T_he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

At the end of a path leading around the magical spring, there’s a large iron door — the first door Merle, Magnus, and Taako have seen in the cave so far. It says ‘pull’ on it in dwarven text. When they give it a try, it’s helpfully unlocked.

The tunnel they walk along is more of the man-made mine, and very clearly the heart of the entire operation, where most of the magical ores were excavated. It’s an extremely long stretch, and an extremely uneventful stretch, and fairly soon walking in complete silence along the tunnel becomes more awkward than trying to make awkward conversation.

“Can we talk?” asks Merle. “I feel like I don’t know you guys at all.”

A silence stretches.

“How does everybody think the adventure’s going?” Taako says in a tone that puts the very concept of facetiousness to shame.

“I’d say a solid B minus,” Magnus answers thoughtfully.

“So far so good by me,” Taako agrees with a nod. “Do you guys remember when we killed that goblin that sounded like Kelsey Grammer?”

“Do you guys ever hear from Klarg? He never writes.”

“I miss Klarg.”

“I miss Klarg too.”

“Do you guys think this cave is haunted?”

“Okay,” Merle cuts in, “I take back what I said about talking and sharing.”

Finally, they reach the end of the tunnel. The room they find themselves in large, circular, and has a massive grate for a floor. On one side of the room is a bunch of heavy-duty mining equipment, and in the centre of the room is a giant grinding machine, with two spike-covered rollers that grind stone down to fall through the grate below. A wooden ledge circles the room about eight feet up. The only exit is there, on that ledge, on the opposite side of the room, right beside a ladder. As they walk inside, that exit door gets kicked open, and a young orc woman holding a massive crossbow rushes in onto the ledge.

“Hey!” Magnus calls out. “_I_ do the kicking around here!”

She levies the crossbow on Magnus, Taako, and Merle, but doesn’t shoot; she simply stands there, looking quizzically at them.

“Easy, Magnus,” Merle mutters.

Magnus chooses to wave at her instead of making more thinly veiled threats. “Hello!”

“Ah, shit,” the woman says. Her voice is surprisingly smooth for an orc, and as a further surprise, she speaks in Common.

“Hail and well met,” Taako tries, as Magnus bows deeply. 

She looks, if anything, even more confused. “Give me — sorry, just give me one second, I’m trying to… I’m trying to figure this out.”

“Is it a math problem?” Magnus asks, trying to be helpful.

“No, it’s… I just can’t understand why other people would _be_ here. I’m trying to figure out whether to kill you guys right away, because — I don’t like collateral damage, it doesn't reflect upon me very well."

“May I say something?” Merle asks. “Have you heard the word of Pan today?”

“Uh, no thank you, I’m spoken for." The orc woman thinks for a bit, and then nods. "OK, here’s the best offer I can make. I’m going to ask you guys a question, because you seem like good people —”

“Is it a riddle?” Magnus interrupts.

“Um, it _might_ be, depending on where you’re at.”

“I love riddles!”

“Great. Depending on your answer to this question, it’s going to decide… I guess what happens next.”

“Like a Choose Your Own Adventure?”

“Sort of, sure. Only if 90% of the pages were ‘you died’.”

“OK. Question on.”

“Are you here for the ⛓⛓⛓⛓

Magnus, Merle, and Taako look at each other, just to make sure none of them are missing anything. It sounded, quite succinctly, like the orc woman’s voice completely changed for her last words, like something inhuman seized control of her vocal chords and had no idea what to do with them. 

Merle speaks first. “We are not _rghhghrg_ hunters,” he says, trying his best to approximate the noise he heard.

“OK,” says the orc woman, “_I_ just heard like a crackly thing, which actually tells me everything I need to know. You’re not here for the ⛓⛓⛓⛓ and that’s great news for me, but I cannot have you guys getting in my way, so here’s my solution, and I think you’re going to find it very equitable. I’m _not_ going to shoot you with this giant crossbow.”

The three adventurers hesitate for a moment.

“Great,” Magnus decides.

“I’m, I’m _for_,” says Taako. “Go on.”

“Instead…” The orc woman pulls a small device out of her pocket, something that looks like a solitary button on a brick, and when she presses the button, a ball of light shoots up out of the device into the air. It hovers for a second, then very quickly zaps into the rock crushing machine in the middle of the room.

The wheels begin to spin, the rollers begin to activate, and then the entire crusher begins to move, like it's been animated, like it's been brought to life beyond its normal mechanical capabilities. The orc woman pulls the ladder up onto the ledge, and then vanishes through the door without another word.

The machine is _deafening_. Chains hanging on the wall vibrate with the noise of the crusher’s movements. It’s_ alive_, and somehow, it looks both angry and hungry as it moves jerkingly in the direction of the three adventurers.

"Come _on_," says Magnus, "that's not fair! Someone write her a strongly-worded letter!"

In lieu of writing a strongly-worded letter, Taako casts Thunder Wave right at the center of the humongous crusher. Lightning catches the crusher square in its chest and sends it sailing back through the air to crash against the grate on the opposite side of the room, sparks of damaging electricity charging randomly through its various mechanical workings. Magnus turns to stare at Taako, mouth agape.

The crusher, unfortunately, continues to thrash. Taako’s spell destroyed a lot of what made it functional in the mine, but it hasn't damaged the unique magic keeping the entire machine animated.

Magnus grabs as many chains off the wall as he can carry, then with a run and an almighty _heave_, he throws the chains into the grinder, and whips his shield out to protect his face from any immediate consequences.

The grinder, surprising absolutely no one, was not built to be able to grind metal chains. The machine shudders threateningly, and it begins to tear itself apart from the inside. As the three adventurers watch, the entire grinder turns, loudly and effectively, into a massive pile of sheared shrapnel; the rollers are torn asunder, and everything else goes every_where_ else, raining down like a hailstorm on Magnus’s shield.

The various bits and pieces of the grinder continue to jerk around like they _want_ to animate, but the machine as a whole is decidedly taken care of.

Magnus grins at the other two. “Kudos all around!” he announces.

Taako stares at the machine. He’s not sure why, but something about it rings a very faint bell in his mind. If he took the time to imagine what might have happened if he, Magnus, or Merle were caught between the two rollers, if they were ground down like the rock that's meant to fall through the grate — which is ridiculous, of course, they’re perfectly fine — but _if_ it happened, then Taako finds himself focusing less on the horror and more on the concept of something _ground._ Ground… ground… ground what? Ground rocks? Ground water?

“Taako!” 

“Hm? What?” Taako looks around, brought unpleasantly back down to earth. “What’re we doing?”

“Trying to find a way out,” says Magnus. “What’re _you_ doing?”

Taako looks back down at the mess of machinery. “Oh, nothing! Let’s get going.”

Magnus grabs one of the metal chains he used to tear the grinder apart, and with its assistance, they all make it up to the wooden ledge, even without the ladder. The door is a little busted, likely from when the orc woman kicked it open, and Magnus remarks: “You know, she’s really irresponsible with doors. This isn’t her home, what gives her the right?”

The other two shrug in response, and they move on.

~~~~

At the end of a stone-wrought hallway that looks more like it comes from a surface building made out of stone than a mine, there come the telltale sounds of combat — metal clanging, grunts and shouts. As the three adventurers get closer, they hear the orc woman yell out: “Uh, _help_!”

Immediately, they all stop. 

“Uh, _sure_,” says Magnus, trying to muster up both the enthusiasm and the sincerity. “You got it.”

“In a minute!” Taako yells back, making no effort to muster up any kind of enthusiasm or sincerity in the least.

“I could use a hand out here!”

Magnus shakes his head and runs out to help her. Merle follows at a significantly slower pace; Taako sits down on the ground and refuses to move.

The room at the end of the hall seems like a mining quarry, where refuse is thrown down from above. The deep pit in the middle of the room is surrounded by a flat stone floor, and there’s a giant iron door at the other end. An unmoving, likely unconscious dwarven figure lies precariously close to the edge of the pit — Gundren Rockseeker, Merle immediately recognises — and meanwhile, the orc woman has been plastered to the wall with sticky webbing, almost entirely covered apart from her head. About twenty feet away from her is a dark elf holding a staff.

The dark elf is dressed in, completely unoriginally, dark black robes. They are stylish, though, to his credit. He’s also wearing a tabbard with a white spider on it. 

The dark elf — or the Black Spider, as those with a limited sense of narrative might be surprised to learn — whips around the moment he hears Magnus enter the cavern, and he grins. “Oh!” he says. “What a fantastic development! Oh, ve have guests, dear! How exciting!”

His accent is some sort of Frankensteinian cross of Transylvanian and French, possessing a magnetic gravity that most people strive very hard to achieve the exact _opposite_ of. It’s the kind of accent that commands attention simply for existing, because it sounds impossible outside of an arena stage; that is, it sounds so unbelievably dramatic and _flappy_ that it alone convinces Taako to get up and sidle curiously towards the cavern to see what's going on.

“Oh, and a third guest! How exciting, ve have even _more_ guests, dear! Ve should make a place at ze table for all of them.”

Magnus looks back at Taako and Merle. “He seems nice.”

“Hello, hello, velcome to my cave~!”

“I just want to say,” Taako says, grinning, “I’m so happy to meet someone _else_ who talks normally.”

“I love your cadence, dear, where are you from?”

“Uh, New Elfington,” Taako answers. Magnus sniggers.

Black Spider notices Merle staring at Gundren, and flashes the old dwarf a grin. “I suppose no introductions will be necessary?”

“Yeah,” Merle answers, his tone nearly absent-minded. 

“I_ vould_ like to know who _you_ are, though.”

“OK,” says Magnus, “so you would assume that introductions _are_ necessary.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t need to be introduced, do I? My reputation precedes me." The Black Spider gestures to his clothes. "Also, my spider tabbard.”

“Who are you?” Taako asks.

“I’m — the Black Spider.”

“Guys,” Magnus whispers loudly, “I think this is him!”

“I’m Taako,” says Taako, “we’re just here for Gundren, you can do whatever you want to _her_.”

“Ah, your voice is like a song~!”

“Thank you, darling. Listen, we’re just here for Gundren, I promise, you can do _whatever_ you want to the orc woman over there.”

“Oh, Gundren’s purpose has been served. If you vant, you can take him and go, sure~”

“Excellent! Pleasure doing business with you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I _vill_ need a little more of his blood, though.”

“How much more?” asks Magnus.

“Oh… a little pint. A couple pints. How much blood do dwarves have?”

“More than you’d think,” Taako murmurs. “Darling, I didn’t catch your name, give it to me one more time?”

“Oh, it’s Black Spider.”

“Guys,” says Magnus, “I know how this works. If we figure out his real name, he’s banished.”

“No, I am not a beetlejuice.”

“Oh.”

“I’m very curious to ask, if you don’t mind answering a few questions — no pressure if you don’t vant to, I vant you to please feel very comfortable here —”

“Oh, please,” says Merle, “feel _free_.”

“How za fuck do you know about this magical cave mine? Don’t tell me, are you here also for the ⛓⛓⛓⛓

“No,” answers Magnus, drawing his answer out skeptically. 

“Screw the _krkrkrkr,_” Merle cuts in angrily, “I’m here for my _cousin_!”

“Uh, vhich one? The only surviving one, I’m guessing.”

Merle steps toward his unconscious cousin, the better to see what his condition is. Gundren is breathing, his chest slowly rising and falling, but he’s very definitely not even remotely conscious, and somehow, Merle doesn’t think the Black Spider would let him go over to do any healing.

“I just want to ask one more time,” says Taako, “because I’m still not clear, what’s your real name? What’s your _born_ name? The Black Spider’s a formal —”

“It’s Brian, darling.”

“_Brian_?”

“No need to add anything else to it, it’s just Brian.”

Taako takes a moment to process that. “OK,” he says. “We need to take Gundren with us. I — I _guess_ we’re going to take the woman. And — here, you’re a magic-user, like myself, maybe you can tell me. When you say _krkrkrkr_, I only hear _krkrkrkr_. Do you know why that might be?”

“Ah,” says Brian with a winning smile, “it’s a tricky situation, isn’t it? Here, this’ll be _fun_. The reason you can’t hear me vhen I say ⛓⛓⛓⛓ is because the ⛓⛓⛓⛓ is actually ⛓⛓⛓⛓ so you von’t be able to ⛓⛓⛓⛓ until you ⛓⛓⛓⛓

“I caught all of that,” says Magnus, nodding sagely.

“So, unfortunately, I’m going to find your solution inequitable. Unsatisfactory. And, uh… I’m afraid this is vhere it ends.”

Before Brian can say anything else, Magnus charges towards him. 

Taako casts Burning Hands on the webbing holding the orc woman against the wall, which burns the web completely away. The orc woman falls to her hands and knees, but she quickly recovers and stands up, giving Taako a confused look. “Wow,” she says, “thanks.” Taako doesn’t answer her.

Brian pulls a small, fist-sized, throbbing pod out of a sack he carries over his shoulder. He smashes it on the ground in front of him, and it explodes in a puff of green smoke. Through cracks in the ceiling crawls a gigantic, _literal_ black spider. It climbs down a web and lands right in front of Gundren.

“Oh, I _get_ it!” says Taako abruptly.

The spider, whose name is Bryan with a y, stands twice as tall as Magnus, looming threateningly and blocking Merle’s way to Gundren. Merle spins and casts Sleep on Brian instead — or tries to, at least. Brian waves it off with an airy and practiced flap of his hand. 

The orc woman pulls out her buzzer button from earlier, yells out: “Here goes nothing!” and presses it. Another ball of energy shoots out, hovers in the air for a second, and then flies right through the giant iron door and out of sight.

“Oh,” says the orc woman, “hm. OK.”

Instantly, something begins pounding rapid-fire at the door. It’s large, it’s metallic, and it’s _insistent_, whatever it is, but the iron door holds solid and doesn’t grant them this new ally.

“What’s your name, dear?” Taako calls to her.

“My name is Killian, nice to meet you, can we do the spider stuff now?”

“Sure thing —”

“No, seriously, tell me about your _dad_. Is that what you want to do, right now? With the spider situation?”

“Hey, door!” Magnus yells. “Open!”

The door doesn’t open. It continues to be pounded against instead.

With this attempt an utter failure, Magnus takes a running leap past Bryan, whipping his metal chain around one of its legs to try and trip it. Bryan falls to its side with a very painful-sounding clicking noise, and Magnus moves back around to smash the spider’s eyes.

The iron door starts to buckle a little in the middle under the insistent, metallic pounding on the other side.

Taako casts Magic Missile on Bryan, which he’d be the first to admit is not nearly as creative as the metal chain sweep-the-leg winding Magnus is doing, but as long as it shoots magical ouchies at the spider until it dies, what's the difference? The spider’s damaged eyes glint in the light of the three spears of magical energy that pierce its body from each side.

Magic Brian looks at Taako. “Oh, that’s very interesting!” he says, clapping his hands together in excitement. “Vhat’s that called — Magic Missile? Is that vhat that vas? It vas unrecognisable because this is how _I_ usually do it.”

He points his staff at Taako and shoots off his own spears of magical energy.

It is, undeniably, a superior spell. It’s bigger, it’s flashier, it’s louder. It’s also faster, and before Taako has time to process any of the aforementioned observations, the spell hits, and Taako slumps to the ground, battered and unconscious.

Magic Brian raises his hands. “Vhat’s up _now_?” he crows.

Spider Bryan manages to rise onto some of its many legs, and it threateningly faces the figure directly in front of it, which is Magnus, with a furious clacking of its pincers.

“Hello, spider,” says Magnus with a weak wave.

It attacks. It rears back, snaps its mandibles, and launches into Magnus, breaking through armour and skin in several places.

Merle snaps a fast Thaumaturgy spell at the iron door, yelling: “By the hoary hordes of Hogarth!” for no real reason other than he’s beginning to feel the pressure of needing to end this fight quickly for the sake of his companions, and it’s the first old dwarven battle cry to come to mind. The door bursts with spiritual energy and flies open, and behind it, a blinding light cuts into the cavern.

They’re headlights, fastened to the front of a giant mechanoid bipedal robot with four arms, looking a bit like a tractor with legs. This robot’s name is Renee the Jackhammer Robot, because in lieu of two arms, it has two jackhammers. 

It sprints fullspeed towards the giant spider, stabs right through it with both arms, and keeps running right into the pit in the centre of the cavern with Spider Bryan impaled on its jackhammers.

“_Sweet_!” Merle yells.

“_Bryan_!” Magic Brian screams. “Bryan vith a y, _noo_! He vas my favourite spider boy…”

Killian clicks her animator button again, but this time, nothing happens. Without her crossbow or any other options at her disposal, she walks over to the giant iron door, now buckled and thrown open against the wall, and calls “Good luck, guys!” over her shoulder. “If you find my crossbow, let me know! But, uh, I’m gonna go ahead and let you all handle this, see what you can do!”

And she vanishes from sight.

Magnus, the moment he’s no longer threatened by Spider Bryan, rushes to Taako’s side and kneels down next to his unconscious form. “Now, this may be a little cheesy, but I can’t let you go,” he says, and he carefully pours the second potion of healing given to them by Klarg into Taako’s mouth.

Taako experiences another strange moment as the magical healing properties of the potion work through his body, healing his wounds and dragging him back to consciousness. He knows he heard Magnus say _something_, but as he wakes up, all he can remember is the word _cheese_. It’s a strange word to remember, because he’s not actually sure what cheese _is_, but it sticks in his mind anyway, occupying the same dreamy half-remembered space that _ground_ does.

“So now it’s your turn to attack,” Magnus tells Merle, the cleric of the group, “because I did the healing.”

Merle looks at Magic Brian, still distraught over by the pit where he lost his beloved spider boy, and decides that he does not really like his odds against a powerful wizard without another wizard to back him up. “I’d like to point out, though,” he says, worried and mildly offended, “that I killed the spider.”

“No, you did great! I just saved our wizard!”

Then Taako’s consciousness snaps properly back into place. He jumps to his feet, pulls himself up to his full wizarding height — an extra two feet thanks to his patented pointed wizard’s hat. With a dramatic wave of his wand, he casts Magic Missile, again, at Magic Brian, shouting: "_Abracafuckyou_!"

The force of the three piercing bolts of magical energy send Magic Brian flying backwards a good distance to land painfully and spread-eagled on the stone close to the edge of the pit, right near Gundren. When he struggles to an upright position, all three adventurers can see blood pouring freely down his face and at least one limb held gingerly at an awkward angle.

“It seems,” he wheezes, smiling, “like you’ve learned vell from me, maybe. Did you maybe take a few pointers from my rad Magic Missile? Or vas that a Taako original?”

Taako frowns. “I actually already said my one cool thing, darling. I don’t have another.”

“Oh, I understand. Yes, it seems that, uh… my goose might be cooked, yes? Just one more trick up my sleeve, and ve’ll see how you respond to _zis_.”

He grabs Gundren by the scruff of the neck and rolls them both off the edge of the pit.

At the same time, and before any of the adventurers can react or even take a step forward, two small sets of dwarven hands reach up and grab the side. As they both haul themselves out, it becomes clear that they’re _both_ Gundren Rockseeker, visually identical, pulling themselves back up onto stable ground.

One Gundren Rockseeker looks at the other. “Oh,” he says, his voice deep and rough, “oh my god, OK, I… I think I see what he’s trying to do here. Listen, you have to understand, _I’m_ the real Gundren Rockseeker. You have to believe me. I can tell you anything you want to know about the Rockseeker clan, I can tell you anything you want to know about Phandalin, you have to believe me, _I’m_ the real Gundren Rockseeker.”

The other Gundren Rockseeker eagerly interjects. “No, you must believe me! Zis one on the right here is an imposter, I’m the real Gundren Rockseeker! Ask me anything you vant to know about — dwarves…”

From the moment the second Gundren Rockseeker speaks, his words are lost beneath uncontrollable laughter from the three adventurers, and the more he says, the less they’re able to control themselves. “But which one’s the _real_ Gundren Rockseeker?” Magnus manages, still laughing. “Is it — is it possible that he’s forced the other Gundren Rockseeker to sound like him?”

“That is exactly vhat he did! He is a bad boy! He is a bad boy vith — vith all _kinds_ of sinister magics!”

Magnus walks over and kicks the obvious imposter into the pit.

“Nooooo!" Magic Brian shouts as he falls. "The mystery is solved! You’ve solved my final riddle! You are the riddle masteeeer~”

And with a painful-sounding _THUNK_, Magic Brian lands at the bottom.

“How deep is the pit?” Merle asks, peering over the edge.

“Congratulations…" Magic Brian's voice drifts faintly up to the edge. "You have proven yourselves… Oh, I’ve landed on Bryan… Bryan, I’m so proud of them… I’m going to die now… Life is flagging from my body… I’ll see my family…”

Taako casts Magic Missile at him again.

“Oh, this is very bad — augh, augh, augh! No, no, no!”

And then they hear nothing from Magic Brian ever again.


	5. A Dwarven Fireball

I’ll drink up all the potions that you’ve got on your shelf

So just let me introduce myself…  
… **I_t’s The Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

With Magic Brian’s death throes well and truly ended, Taako, Merle, and Magnus find themselves standing alone in the cavernous pit room with Gundren Rockseeker, the reason they’ve been _on_ this particular adventure, Merle’s cousin, their damsel in distress, and their employer.

Killian comes out from behind the giant iron door, now that everything is quiet, and surveys the scene. “I _cannot_ believe,” she says, slowly and incredulously, “you guys pulled that off. Brian is one of the most accomplished, powerful wizards I have ever met, in all of my days, I — I’m _flabbergasted,_ honestly, that we all did not perish.”

“You’re welcome, I guess?” says Taako. “We’re pretty much rad.”

Killian peers over the edge of the pit, and says: “If you’ll excuse me, I need to recover something, very quickly. None of you go _anywhere_.”

“Hey, Killian, before you go,” Magnus pipes up, “what is all of this about?”

“I promise, I will tell you as soon as I am… literally _able_ to. Right now, I absolutely can’t.”

“No, listen, I have a little bit of expertise with the magics,” says Taako. “I’m assuming this is some sort of curse, something that’s preventing you from talking in a way we can understand, right?”

“You are _super_ wrong. Super duper wrong.” Killian pulls a feather duster out of her knapsack. “Be right back,” she says over her shoulder, taps herself with the aforementioned feather duster, and she drifts into the pit enveloped by a faint grey light.

Magnus turns to the others. “OK, here’s the thing, fellas,” he says. “There’s definitely a thing that they’re talking about that we can’t mentally comprehend, right?”

“Right,” Taako answers.

“We have to find out what’s going on. There’s some other level to this cave. Why did they need his blood? What is going on?”

Gundren, who still looks bedraggled and bruised, says: “I might be able to, uh… elucidate you. You guys did well. Much better than… I’ll be honest, much better than I thought you were going to do. This job brought some unforeseen circumstances, but you guys followed through. Where’s Barry, by the way?”

“Oh, he’s good,” Magnus says.

“He’s hanging out back at the bar,” Merle adds with a nod.

“Typical Barry, right?” Gundren grumbles. “I might need your help still. Come, come with me.”

Gundren leads them through the large wrought-iron door into the cavern where Renee the Jackhammer Robot was being stored, and then through a normal set of doors into a very short tunnel that leads to another room where, on the far wall, a large round metal door sits, looking very much like the sort of complicated gear-filled sophisticated contraption that would be hiding very, very expensive treasure.

In the corner of the hall, past the large round metal gear-door, a huddled figure lies against the wall. As Taako’s curiosity leads him to approach it, he realises it’s a skeleton, sitting comfortably in the corner, draped in a bright crimson robe and holding what looks like a cane with a curved handle. Whoever it is, they’ve definitely been dead for a very long time.

Gundren spares the skeleton a glance, then turns his attention to the large gear-door instead. He inspects the machinery, inch by inch. Taako tries to follow suit — after all, there might be mounds of treasure behind that door — but he finds that he can’t take his eyes off the skeleton. It’s wearing that bright crimson robe, but nothing else. That’s weird, right? It should be wearing clothes, at least.

“Uh, excuse me,” Taako calls, “whichever one you are — Merle — uh, there’s a cane here to look at.”

Merle wanders over, intrigued. “Well,” he says, “that looks magic.”

“You _think_?”

Merle casts a quick and silent Detect Magic on the skeletal figure, both robe and curved staff. Immediately, he gets dizzy and faint, in a way Detect Magic should not usually result in, because it feels to him like _every single type of magic_ is embedded into this cane.

“So what kind of vibe are you getting from it?” asks Taako.

“I’m kind of mindblown right now,” says Merle, who feels like the entire world is taking an extra second or two to fit easily back onto its axis. “It’s kind of hard for me to concentrate. I think I ought to wrap this in something and carry it, you know, instead of holding onto it.”

“Wrap it in the robe, that’s a good idea.”

“Oh! Let’s wrap it in the robe!”

“Wrap it in the robe~”

Even through the robe, the moment Merle touches the cane handle, he feels a tremendous jolt in his gut and goes flying back through the air to smash against the opposite wall with a bone-crunching_ thunk_.

“Oh, golly,” says Taako, sounding only mildly concerned about Merle’s wellbeing. “Let me give it a whirl.”

“Taako,” says Magnus, staring, “are you nuts? It just attacked Merle, and you’re like ‘my turn’?”

“I live like I’m dying.”

Merle groans on the floor.

“Let’s do this. You’re fine.”

Merle groans louder.

“Walk it off! Walk it off.”

Taako reaches out and touches the cane.

Bolts of lightning shoot out of him as he pulls it free from the skeleton’s grip. The more of it that becomes visible in the dim half-light, the more it becomes apparent that the curved handle is not actually the end of a staff — it’s an _umbrella_. Taako hesitates, then pulls the umbrella away from the skeleton, and the skull tilts up towards him, almost as if it’s acknowledging Taako as the new owner. The moment he finally wrests the umbrella free, both the skeleton and the robe disintegrate into ash.

“So now I have an umbrella,” Taako murmurs, investigating his new possession from every angle as the lightning bolts fade and fizzle into nothing.

“I’m in a lot of pain over here,” says Merle.

“Uh, you’re a cleric, right?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Walk it off.”

“What,” says Gundren, staring agape at Taako, “the _shit_. What the shit was all that lightning stuff about. And the magic umbrella. You guys are crazy.”

“Hey, nice umbrella,” says Magnus.

Taako looks at Gundren. “_Handle_ it,” he says. “That’s how_ I_ do.”

Gundren shakes his head and puts his hand on the large gear-door. Almost immediately, the gears begin to move. “You guys deserve some answers,” he says.

“_Yeah_,” says Magnus, in a tone strongly indicating that he has been waiting for answers for a _very long time_.

“Please,” Taako echoes, spinning his new magic umbrella down to rest the tip on the floor.

“And some money,” Magnus adds.

“Yeah,” says Gundren. “Well — maybe. Yeah, I — yes. My father —”

“Wait, hold on a moment,” says Merle. “Wait, wait… ACHOO_zoneoftruth_.”

It’s very hard to cast a verbal spell subtly. In this case, somehow, Merle manages it. Zone of Truth casts a net around everyone in the vicinity that compels truth from their lips, except in rare and scattered circumstances where it doesn't always work right, for reasons outside of Merle’s comprehension. In Gundren’s case, it works. 

“Woah,” says Gundren, pressing a hand to his forehead. “You guys feel that? … Did you just cast some kind of magic spell on me, Merle?”

“Yes.”

Unfortunately, Zone of Truth also works in Merle’s case.

“OK! That’s weird, I don’t really cotton to that, but, uh…”

“Well, I’m _pissed off_ because you’re the one that sent us on this mission to get our _asses_ kicked! ‘Cause you just admitted you didn’t think we could do it!”

“… You’ve got every right,” Gundren acquiesces. 

“I stole a bunch of gold!” Taako cuts in. “I stole a bunch of gold, there was a whole thing of gold — I, I opened my mouth to lie about gold, I was just going to remark about how we hadn’t found any gold this whole time and how I was really upset about it but I’m sorry, I found a bunch of gold and —”

“I’m having a really great time,” says Magnus, “and I think we’re becoming closer as friends!”

“That’s very sweet,” Gundren tells Magnus. “And your boots look _weirdly_ familiar, where did you get those?”

“They — they were given to me as a gift.”

“Huh. OK.” Gundren takes a deep breath. “My father, Cyrus Rockseeker —”

“My uncle,” says Merle, like he has to keep his own family straight in his head.

“Your uncle, yes. He was in charge of security for Wave Echo Cave. And when the orc marauders came to destroy Phandalin and seek out the Wave Echo Cave and take it over, he managed to, very heroically, lock away all of the magical items, all of the magical weapons, equipment, trinkets, everything, away in the mine’s personal vault. Which is here, behind me. Unfortunately, in order to do so, he also had to lock _himself_ in.”

“OK,” says Taako, sounding mildly skeptical and a little amused.

“For a Zone of Truth, you’re sure using a lot of adverbs,” Magnus remarks. “How do you know it was ‘sadly’?”

“I was a bit sad about it.”

“Oh.”

“Fine. Some would say ‘sadly’. He sacrificed himself to lock away all of the treasures of this vault.”

“So he goes all Scrooge McDuck,” Merle succinctly summarises, and moves smoothly on before Gundren can ask what the hell Scrooge McDuck is. “How long ago?”

“Uh… this was, uh, about a decade ago.”

“Damn those orc marauders.”

“Yeah, there’s no way that I’m gonna open this door and have a happy family reunion.”

Magnus leans over to Taako. “Can you eat gold to stay alive?”

Taako doesn’t answer, out of worry that doing so would prolong the conversation, even for a second.

The door makes a few definitive clunks.

“Fortunately,” says Gundren, “this door is attuned to Rockseeker blood, so I can open it up, and we can have ourselves a field day with the treasures, and weapons, and _everything_ within. Here we go.”

The door rolls open, revealing a very small and dark passageway. Taako squeals with barely contained excitement. The walls of the passage don’t have the same natural bioluminescent glow as the rest of the cavern, so Merle casts a quick Light cantrip for Magnus’s benefit, and makes the light a pale lavender glow just because he can.

“Nice,” says Taako, nodding approvingly. “Calming.”

The four of them walk down the passageway. As they step foot into the vault’s main chamber, they notice a lot of strange things very quickly.

The first is that the sound of the ground changes. Instead of the nice, earthy crunch of the rest of the cavern, their footsteps make a _plink_ noise, like a spoon tapping against a glass. They’re walking on black glass, in fact, almost obsidian, and that obsidian is the composition of the entire chamber. It makes a 60-foot, almost dome-shaped area made completely out of black glass, completely devoid of things that would normally be in a vault, and no other entrances or exits.

“Something’s not right,” Gundren murmurs, walking towards the centre of the cavern.

There’s a single figure in the centre of the black glass, dwarven in shape, but so badly burned all the way through that it’s more like charcoal, crusty and black. One of the figure’s arms is sticking up into the air, and on its hand, there’s a silvery gauntlet. It’s the only thing left in the vault.

Magnus reaches over to high-five the silvered gauntlet. A spout of flame gushes out of the gauntlet and burns Magnus’s hand badly enough to make him yelp.

“Good going, dipshit!” says Taako.

“Sounds about right,” Magnus grunts, rubbing his injured hand.

Gundren looks over the dwarven figure. “That’s my pops,” he says. “That’s my dad.”

Taako looks at him. “Do you know anything about the glove he’s wearing?”

“It seems like some sort of magical artifact, but — everything in this —! This room is supposed to be _filled_ with magic weapons, and, and impossible armaments — I don’t understand what’s going on!”

“Calm down there, bucko,” says Taako. He brings his new magic umbrella near the gauntlet, just to see if there’s any kind of reaction or magical connection.

“Don’t high-five it,” Magnus warns.

“Got it.”

The umbrella stays inert, and so does the gauntlet.

“Trying flipping it open a couple of times?” Magnus suggests.

And then, from behind them, Killian’s voice: “_What did I tell you_?” She looks more disappointed than angry as they all turn around, which, as some would argue, is worse. “I told you guys to stay put! I don’t understand why you keep being so _difficult_. I don’t understand why any of you are _here_!”

Taako shrugs. “We got bored.”

“You left for — it was four hours, it felt like,” Magnus says, nodding.

“It was a minute and a half!”

“We got bored,” Taako repeats.

“It was _ninety whole seconds_. You guys couldn’t sit still for _ninety whole seconds_.”

“Why do you do the stuff _you_ do?” asks Magnus.

“Yeah!” says Merle. “Like try to kill us!”

Killian doesn’t dignify that with an answer. Instead, she surveys the room, and her gaze falls on the solitary dwarven figure in the middle wearing the silver shimmering gauntlet. She immediately pulls out her crossbow. “Everybody,” she says, “very slowly — none of you have high-fived that thing, have you?”

“No,” Magnus replies. 

“Oh god, no.”

“Are we still in the circle of truth? No.”

“Everybody step away from it,” Killian goes on. “That’s what I came here looking for, it is _indescribably_ dangerous, everybody step away from the enchanted gauntlet, _please_.”

“So you’d have to be a complete idiot to high-five it?” Merle succinctly summarises.

“Did we get a verdict on high-fiving it?” Taako asks. “Definitely a thumbs down?”

“Maybe,” says Magnus, grumbling a little, “it’s supposed to be a _low_ five. Oh, look, I’ve solved it.”

Gundren, who is standing right next to his dead father and hasn’t moved an inch since Killian entered the vault, points at her. “Are you guys here with this… filthy _orc_?”

“_Hey,_” the three adventurers immediately leap to her defence. 

“Cease it with the racism, Gundro,” says Taako. “We’re all just one brotherhood of man. Come on.”

“My cousin’s an orcist,” says Merle, who now sounds just as disappointed as Killian did, shaking his head in despair.

Killian raises her brow. “Did you just call me _filthy_, dude?”

“Hey, everybody,” says Magnus, stepping between them with his hands raised. “We’re going to take just two steps back, real quick —”

“This gauntlet,” Gundren interrupts him angrily, “_everything_ in this vault is my _birthright_. There’s no way I’m giving this thing up to _you_.”

“Don’t test me,” says Killian, levering her crossbow on Gundren. “_Don’t_ test me. I’ve had a real long day, I got all webbed up in the other room, _hated_ that —”

“Boys, you’ve served me very well, I have one last job for you. I need you to take her out.”

“Hoooold up,” says Killian. “I’m not so sure about that decision. Doesn’t seem like a good one.”

“Stop,” says Magnus, “everybody _**stop**_.”

Everyone stops.

“Gundren,” Magnus continues. “Do you know why this room is empty and there’s a gauntlet on that dude’s hand?”

“I don’t know why this is the only thing in this room,” Gundren answers. “But I know that it’s mine.”

“Cool. Killian, do you know why that is?”

“I have a pretty good goddamn idea, yeah.”

“Okay, so Gundren, how about we chill the fuck out, and we find out what’s going on?”

“Killian,” Taako chimes in, “are you able to talk to us freely at this point?”

“I can’t — I can talk to you as much as you —! Here, this might answer your question. That thing is called the ⛓⛓⛓⛓

“It’s called the maraca sound,” Magnus says, nodding.

“I’m not great with subtlety —” says Taako.

“Fine, it’s called the maraca sound, I can’t _tell_ you what it is, Gundren, step off. You are _done._ You’re done. We’re done here.”

“Or,” says Gundren, “better idea —”

He snatches up the gauntlet and puts it on his right hand. 

The charcoal dwarven figure crumbles to ash the moment the gauntlet leaves its hand.

“Oh man,” says Gundren, looking down at the remains, “I feel really bad about —”

And what he was going to say is lost under a deep, guttural scream as his entire body is engulfed in flame.

“I regret this,” says Magnus as he backs away, “_immediately_.”

Within two seconds, however, the flames subside, leaving an unburned and uncharred Gundren behind, blinking with confusion. In fact, apart from having been on fire for two seconds, Gundren looks completely fine. His hair is standing on end, smoking slightly.

“Gundren, how do you feel?” asks Taako.

“I feel…”

“… pretty?” Merle guesses.

“… _powerful_.”

“Well, shit,” says Killian, and shoots her crossbow directly into Gundren’s chest. Gundren extends his gauntleted hand, and the projectile burns up in the air before it reaches him.

“Cool,” Magnus mutters, caught somewhere between awe and fear.

“Everyone get away from the fiery dwarf now,” Killian says slowly.

Taako and Merle obey her instruction, and certainly don’t need to be told twice. Magnus, on the other hand, chooses to ignore her instruction completely, and charges directly at Gundren. The gauntlet knocks Magnus back with a fiery wave of force, and Magnus screams from the pain of _immediate_ burns up and down his arms. He goes sliding across the obsidian glass floor and comes to rest near the vault door.

“I’m done with this,” says Gundren. “It’s payback time.”

Quick as a child’s wish, Gundren flies out of the vault, surrounded completely by fire, like he himself has been turned into fire, or like a dwarven fireball shot from a cannon. He leaves utter silence in his wake.

Killian rubs her face. “_That_ went about as _shitty_ as it _possibly_ could have gone. Great job, you three.”

Magnus sits up, grimacing. “I almost had him,” he says weakly.

“We need to _get_ him,” says Killian, enunciating every single word very pointedly, “we need to _find_ him, and we need to _stop_ him before he destroys the _whole world_.”

“Well, OK,” says Merle.

“You all down?”

“Super clear,” says Magnus with a nod.

“Sure,” says Taako, because the other two agreed so readily.

“I’m not going to lie,” Killian goes on, “this is super above your pay grade —”

“Hey, Killian,” says Taako, who hasn’t stopped staring at where the Gundren fireball cannoned out of the vault. “I’m detecting that that glove was magical.”

“Again,” says Killian, with a choice glare at Taako, “very, _very_ studious, you are a _very_ powerful wizard to pick up on that.”

“Ooh, well, thank you.”

Taako hasn’t seen a magical artifact like that gauntlet before. Taako has never seen anything even_ close_ before. Half in shock, half dreading the attempt to get that artifact back, and still trying to process that the vault contains no treasure whatsoever, Taako remains temporarily slow on the uptake. It’s a good thing he’s so competent at playing up those moments to his advantage, to ensure no one takes him seriously — and it’s equally fortunate that he’s found two other adventurers who are equally competent at doing the exact same thing.

The result is that, while the three adventurers appeared to agree immediately to pursue Gundren and the magical fire glove without needing very much information at all, they’re silent and solemn as they leave Wave Echo Cave with Killian, each lost in their own tangled thoughts.

~~~~

They don’t encounter any extra bonus jellies to spar on their way out of Wave Echo Cave, which is fortunate, because based on Gundren’s speed when he flew out of the cavern, they have absolutely no time to lose. It’s easy to track his movements through the cave, at least, because he’s left a wide charred fiery path in his wake, and the four of them easily find their way back out to the wagon they borrowed from Barry Bluejeans back in Phandalin. To Merle especially, it feels like a lifetime since they last saw Barry; none of them envisioned leaving the mine system in pursuit of a burning dwarf cousin.

Gundren’s fiery warpath extends far beyond the cave. With Killian’s help, they follow the swathe of burning destruction in Barry’s wagon, and within a few miles they realise the trail is blazing directly towards Phandalin. 

“I knew it,” says Magnus when Killian points this out. “He’s going for Barry Bluejeans, you guys.”

“You think he’s going to assassinate him?” asks Killian.

“No, I think he’s going to go form up. Barry’s his buddy, he’s going to pick up his teammate.”

“This is bad. We can’t let him get — if he gets to Phandalin, it’s going to be… pretty horrible. We’ve got to stop him before he gets there.”

“Why don’t you just use your magic feather duster to make us all lighter, so the wagon moves faster?” asks Taako.

“It doesn’t work like that. Stop — stop thinking you know how magic things work. You’ve proven pretty inept at it.”

“Can we high five the cart to make it go faster?” Magnus asks.

“You can _try_, yes, you — yeah, oh _yeah,_ that’ll do it, yes, you’re _saving the day_, Magnus, keep high-fiving the cart, I guess, keep high-fiving the cart.”

“I’m trying as hard as I can!”

No one in this conversation is being serious, but where it’s impossible to miss Killian’s dripping, golf-ball-sized helping of sarcasm, Magnus’s awareness of his own ridiculousness is much harder to pin down. It becomes a moot point a second later when the rhythmic sound of Magnus’s high-fiving is abruptly cut off as Taako casts Sleep on him.

“I can’t,” he explains when Killian and Merle look at him. “I just can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.”

None of them are sure about the speed differential between a burning dwarf fireball and a wagon, but all things considered, they figure they must be making pretty good time towards town. They certainly can’t be making _bad_ time. The wagon crests a hill about five miles away from the edge of the town, whereupon Magnus wakes up, because Sleep isn’t meant to take longer than the length of a typical battle. That’s when they see the most harrowing sign of destruction that Gundren has wrought so far.

Halfway down the hill, a convoy of wagons have been completely burned out, leaving nothing behind but cinders and warped metal framing. Laid out next to them are several charred, burned, broken bodies that seem large enough to be orcs, extremely and irreparably dead. Gundren’s path blazes right past the convoy, moving in that same unbroken beeline towards Phandalin. And as the wagon approaches the one-sided aftermath, they also see four human scavengers picking over the remains of the convoy. They have their own open wagon with them, and sitting atop the wagon is a cage with an adolescent orc boy in it.

“Oh god,” says Killian as she draws the wagon to a halt. “I know we’re in a hurry, but… it’s up to you guys. It’s your call.”

“What’s our call?” asks Merle.

“Whether we stop and help or not,” Magnus answers him, right before jumping down from the wagon and rushing over to help.

The scavengers are dressed in pretty raggedy clothes, but their weapons seem to be of adequate stabbing and killing quality, sharpened and gleaming in the sun. Their leader sees Magnus rushing over and raises his hands in surrender, making Magnus stop dead in his tracks. “Oh hey, some guys, yo, hey, slow your roll! Slow your roll, pardner! We’re just picking the bones of this scene, we didn’t do any of this, we promise. We’re just four honest fools tryin’ to make a buck, you know, tryin’ to turn a buck in this hard cold world. Certainly you four can sympathise with that.”

“I respect your motivations,” says Magnus, “we don’t have a lot of time for this, give me the boy and we’ll be on our way.”

“Aw, what’re you gonna do with a orc boy, huh? You gonna train him up to be your ward? He’s not some pet dog that you can adopt.”

“Then why do you have him in a cage?”

“For sellin’.”

“What do you think happens to him after you sell him?” asks Taako, acting for all like the world like they’re just engaging in a particularly intriguing intellectual thought experiment.

“That’s not my problem, I get the money for sellin’ the boy.”

Taako steps up, the previous idle curiosity gone. “Listen,” he says, “I’m gonna give you to three. We’ve really got a lot to do.”

“Me and my posse gonna give you to two.”

“We’ll give you to one!” Magnus chimes in.

“Well, how about this? _Zero_, motherfuckers!”

All the scavengers draw their weapons.

"Hey, guys," says Killian, "let's try and make this quick." She pulls out her crossbow and fires one of its heavy projectiles — a bolt the size of a short spear — at the lead ruffian. The force of the bolt against his armour sends him flying backwards to lie, winded and groaning, in the blackened grass near his wagon, with more than one broken rib.

Magnus grips his heavy battle-ax and swings it into another of the ruffian scavengers. Merle casts Thaumaturgy to make his voice three times as loud as it normally is, and he yells: "There's only four of them! Platoon one, attack from the east, platoon two, attack from the west!" His voice echoes all around the hill, and the two scavengers who are not severely injured, standing by the cage in the open wagon, look towards their leader, lying on the ground with a spear-sized bolt in his stomach.

“What do we do!?” one of them asks.

“I don’t…. hngh… I dunno, I guess… I guess go check it out?”

The two followers split off to the east and west, running in both directions on the lookout for those platoons Merle made up on the spot.

"Guys, did you hear that?" Taako calls, excited. "Did you hear, from the hills? There's an army supporting us, I think we're going to win this thing!"

Merle looks at Taako, not sure for a minute if Taako's carrying on the deception, or if he genuinely believes it himself. It can be hard to tell, with the elven wizard. Taako grins back at Merle and casts Magic Missile, sending two bolts at the leader and one at the ruffian Magnus attacked. They both give one last scream, and then no sound ever again.

Magnus hops into the wagon and gives it one quick once-over for valuables.

"This is great," says Taako flatly. "Now we own a boy."

"No man can own another man, Taako," says Magnus. He finds some keys on one of the dead bandits, and he pops open the cage with them; the orc boy doesn't acknowledge their presence, express any gratitude, or even spare them a glance. He simply walks away into the woods.

"OK, bye!" Magnus calls after him.

"Ungrateful little whelp," Killian mutters. "What an ingrate. What a jerk. Orc kids these days, I tell you."

"Did you know him?" asks Taako.

"Are you kidding me? _Now_ who's the orcist? Oh, do you — do you know Steven? I know an orc named Steven, do you know him? _That's_ what you sound like right now, Taako."

"We don't have time for this," Magnus interrupts.

"I — I don't know a Steven," Taako muses.

With too much time spent on the unanticipated detour, they all hop back into the wagon and head straight for Phandalin. The orc boy would just need to fend for himself; they had to turn their attention to the much more urgent problem of saving Gundren from himself, and preventing him from killing anyone else, with the hopeful side benefit of preventing him from killing every single man, woman, and child_ in_ Phandalin.


	6. The Moment That Changes Everything

Someone flies, someone dies

Seriously, this time someone flies and someone dies…  
… **It’s T_he Adventure Zone._**

~~~~

There's a deck of playing cards in the scavengers' open wagon, likely illegitimate and used for cheating purposes, given their owners' choice of profession. Magnus pockets it immediately. They also find about 220 gold pieces hidden under one of the loose floorboards, which _Taako _pockets immediately.

Four miles on, the edge of Phandalin is on fire. The red-yellow light of bright flames stand stark against the dusky light of evening, putting to rest any hopes any of the four adventurers might have had that they would reach the town in time to stop Gundren from causing any damage. 

Fortunately, Phandalin's roads are crude, but wide. The fiery path Gundren blazed through the town is a straight line and the surrounding buildings are almost completely undamaged. No one is outside; the villagers know a threat when they see it, and a dwarf on fire blazing searing heat down the main street is _very definitely_ a threat. Every single door and window is closed and locked, except for the local bar, which is where Gundren's fiery trail ends.

The bar door is scorched, but intact. It's very bright inside, and filled with screams and shouts, Barry Bluejeans' voice among them. As Magnus jumps down from the wagon and heads toward the door, Barry Bluejeans comes barrelling outside, staring wildly around. He's not on fire, but Gundren seems to be trying his best to rectify that, because Barry ducks _just_ in time to avoid a searing fireball thrown right through the bar door in his direction.

"Oh my god, you're back," he says, sounding haggard and relieved. "You guys, you've got to help me, I've never seen him like — well, obviously I've never seen him engulfed in flames and all magical and shit, but — things are really bad, you guys, you've got to calm him down!"

"He's right," says Killian with a nod. "We can't fight him right now. If we try to fight him, we're going to lose. He's more powerful than anybody you guys have ever met, that's not an empty promise, he will _incinerate_ anybody who defies him. We've got to calm him down and try to get that glove off of him."

"OK," says Magnus.

"Which means you're going to attack, right?" Merle mutters.

"No. _No_. I cannot stress enough how much we are _not fighting him._"

Gundren blows open the door of the bar and walks outside, wreathed in flames, to stand in the middle of the group. "Why would you want to stop me?" he demands, and his voice — his voice is different. It's suffused with a power that makes it vibrate, as if Gundren barely remembers needing his voice to communicate at all, but it's also tinged with surrealism and a faraway tone, like the gauntlet's dwarven host is barely there to begin with. It's anger and unconcern in slow, tumultuous conflict. "I finally have enough power to get rid of those _goddamn orcs_."

Taako casts Charm Person on him. It doesn't work, so he tries again, completely disregarding the limited amount of spell energy available to him each day, and Gundren turns his fiery gaze on Taako, expression unreadable behind the intense white flame.

"Gundren, you have to listen," says Magnus. "The glove is consuming you from the inside out. Remember your father in the cave? If you don't remove the glove, you're_ going to die_."

"I can control it!"

"You _can't_! Look at yourself! This isn't you!"

"You don't know what I'm like!"

Merle walks slowly towards Gundren, close enough for Gundren to turn his fiery eyes sharply on to _him_, but he doesn't flinch and he doesn't stop moving. 

"We're cousins," Merle reminds him, speaking softly. "We have the same bloodline —"

"What's my middle name!? No, fuck it, what's my _first_ name!?"

"Your first name is Gundren. Your middle name is Lou. Gundren Lou." Merle puts one hand on the glove. The bright, searing heat instantly begins to melt his armour and burn the flesh underneath, but through sheer force of will, Merle doesn't flinch, and doesn't move his hand. "I'm going to help you control it."

Gundren steps angrily away. "What are you doing!? This is _mine_!"

"We're the same bloodline, I can help you control it!"

"I don't _need_ your help controlling it!"

"Fine, go do what you want, I don't care." Merle sounds flippant, but he doesn't move, not even to nurse his injured hand. "Gundren, you know me. Remember Candlenights at our aunt's house? We'd sit around and drink mulled wine…"

Gundren seems to relax, barely perceptible. "I miss her so much," he says.

"She was a good woman."

"She was, until she was _murdered_ by those _goddamn orcs_!"

"That was never proven," Merle reminds Gundren, "and you know what? She loved you. She gave, every year, to the Orc Benevolent Fund."

"I _know,_ and that's what made her death at their hands so ironic — so _painfully ironic_!"

"It _is_ painfully ironic," Merle admits, "but is this what she would have wanted? Would she have wanted you to do this, to not only kill all these indiscriminate orcs, but burn your own ass up at the same time? I don't think so. Come on, why don't you take the gauntlet off, and we can all talk about it."

"I — I don't think I can."

"You can! You're the strongest dwarf I know! I mean, down through the years I've _always_ turned to you —"

"Braun Strongarm is the strongest dwarf, and we both know that, so don't bullshit me."

"At arm wrestling, maybe, but you? You're strong at _heart._ I've always looked up to you."

"… I'm scared."  
"You've always been my hero, Gundren, don't be scared. Look, we're all here together."

"I was a fireball earlier. And it hurt."

"I know, that must have hurt _so bad_."

"It hurt a lot."

"Aren't you tired of hurting? Aren't you tired of the fire, and the burning, and…"

"… I'm pretty sleepy."

"Why don't you just take a deep breath, take off the gauntlet, and everything's going to be OK."

The fire in Gundren's eyes has gone out. His hair is also gone, burned right off his head, and his clothes are miraculously intact for having been on fire until a minute before; they're tattered and scorched, but serviceable. Gundren looks exactly as tired as he claims to be, and he even looks a little bit remorseful.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I — I killed a bunch of orcs earlier, you didn't see that, did you?"

"We're going to blame it on the dumpster divers," Merle assures Gundren. 

"I don't know what you're talking about, but… I'm just so _tired_."

"Why don't you close your eyes for a little bit, take a little nippy-nap —"

"You're right. I would love a nippy-nap."

"— and when you get up, we'll go spelunking, and share stories about Aunt Blarg."

"I miss her."

"I know you do."

"OK. You guys are right, I — I can't control this thing, and I think it's time we —"

_T H U N K._

Gundren stumbles forward and catches himself just before falling. For a moment, time stands still; Gundren reaches behind him and grips the shaft of an arrow lodged in his back. On the outskirts of the town, the adolescent orc boy Magnus let out of the cage lowers a bow about the size of himself. The moment he meets their gaze, he turns and runs.

Gundren explodes in fire. His limbs completely vanish into the raging inferno, then his head. Bouts of flame rip off his growing body, cutting the entire building behind him in half, and the only noise anyone can hear is Gundren's all-encompassing scream. 

"**_WHO DID THIS?!_**"

"Gundren," says Barry Bluejeans, stepping forward, "it wasn't any of us, you have to —"

With a giant flaming hand, Gundren crushes Barry into the ground.

"Time to go!" Killian shouts. She starts running towards the centre of town as Gundren continues to grow in both size and heat intensity. "Come on, come on, come on!" 

"But Barry," says Taako, staring at where Barry Bluejeans used to be, which now holds only charred, dead flesh.

"We're not leaving with all these people here!" says Magnus. 

Taako looks at them both, eyes wide, gaze somewhere very far away. "I'm not leaving without Barry."

Killian points to a large, deep well at the centre of town, and doesn't stop running. "Get to the well, get to the well, get to the well get to the well get to the well!"

Taako, with only a single moment's hesitation, takes off running after her towards the well. 

"There's still tons of people here!" Magnus insists, torn and desperate. Killian doesn't answer, and Gundren is still growing, more and more fire pouring off of his body in sizzling waves.

"Get out of your homes!" Magnus shouts while he runs, as loudly as his lungs will let him. "Get out of town, _now_!"

A couple of people step out of their homes looking around in confusion, but they don't move.

Killian takes out her feather duster, taps herself with it, and then points it at Taako, Magnus, and Merle. Silvery bolts envelop all of three of them in the same pale, grey light as the light surrounding Killian. That done, Killian doesn't wait; she leaps into the well.

"Come on come on come on come on!" Her voice echoes up to surface level.

The three adventurers share one last look. It's a look of resignation, a look of panic. Then all three dive into the well without another word, where the magic from Killian's feather duster slows their forty-foot fall into the depths of the ground.

The night sky in the circle of light above them turns orange, then yellow, then bright searing red. Gundren screams one final time, and then all any of them can see above is flame, blotting out the sky completely. The roaring is deafening, the loudest sound in the universe, drowning out even thought, and it lasts almost a full minute and a half.

Killian lies unconscious at the bottom of the well. Maybe she hit her head on the way down, or maybe Merle, Taako, and Magnus landing on top of her knocked her out somehow. Whatever the cause, as Magnus, Taako, and Merle stand up to dust themselves off and take stock, Killian remains out cold.

"Well, this is going good," says Taako.

"We really suck at this so far," Merle says, nodding.

"You know," says Magnus slowly, "in retrospect, I really regret helping that orc kid."

"I wish we killed him," Taako agrees.

Magnus takes a deep breath and rallies himself. "But you know what? A lot of woulda, coulda, shoulda, you know?"

"That's true," says Taako. "Wish in one hand, spit in the other."

"Yeah. Hindsight, 20/20, and all that."

"Yeah. Classic. Can anybody levitate or anything?"

Magnus shakes his head. "I think we just live in the bottom of this well now."

The walls of the well are made of good, thick cobblestone, which in theory is climbable. Magnus examines that prospect, nods to himself, and takes Killian's large crossbow away from her while Taako nods approvingly. Magnus slaps her face once, and she doesn't wake up.

"OK, she's dead, let's go."

"She's not dead," says Merle. "Thoroughly concussed, yeah, but not dead."

Magnus sighs. "OK. I don't want to just leave her."

"Nah, we got to take her," says Merle.

"She's got a magic feather duster," Taako points out, "and if I know anything about magic, that'll be really good for dusting."

Magnus hesitates, then takes the magic feather duster, and the remote control animation device as well. 

"No, _I_ want the feather duster," Taako objects.

"In a little bit."

"It's _magical._"

"OK, fine, you can have the feather duster. Here. Happy?"

Taako, looking very Mary Poppins-esque with his magic umbrella and feather duster, nods, pleased with himself.

Magnus grips the cobblestone and climbs the forty feet up to surface level, Killian's crossbow on his back with his other weapons. The entire top of the well is gone, he notices when he finally reaches the top. The bucket, the rope, the little roof — it's all gone. When he looks around, everything else is gone too. Phandalin is just _gone_. When Magnus sets foot on the ground outside the well, he hears the same noise they heard in the vault back at Wave Echo Cave.

_Dink. Dink._

The ground around the well, the ground for a full half-mile all around them, the entire town of Phandalin and everything in it, is one unbroken flat circle of opaque black glass. There are no buildings, no people, and no corpses. Everything evaporated completely under the intense heat of Gundren's explosion. 

"Well," Magnus mutters as he looks around, "this all _sucks_."

He drops a rope from his belt back down into the well, and calls down: "Tie it around her before you climb up!"

Pulling Killian up out of the well is a group effort — she's a large orc woman, after all — but they manage it with only a little strain, and they lay her on the ground near the well. All around, there is nothing apart from that flat black glass — nothing except for one single, solitary charred-out blackened dwarven husk a short distance away at the very epicentre of the obsidian on the ground. Its right arm is in the air, and on that arm is the same silvery gauntlet, glinting ominously in the dusky twilight.

"There must be a way to contain it," Magnus muses as they all stare at the gauntlet. "She must have known about it, because she was specifically going to get that gauntlet. So the person we need right now is unconscious."

"Wait a minute," says Merle. "Can we take a minute to mourn Phandalin? A lot of people died here because of our misadventuring. The least we can do is give them a moment of silence."

"Sure," says Magnus. "Yeah, sure. We can do that."

They all fall silent for several moments more than one, and during that time, they don't catch each others' eyes. Merle, Taako, and Magnus hadn't known each other very well before they agreed to take on the job Gundren hired them for. They'd gone on adventures together before, but as professional colleagues, as travelling companions who got along oddly well and worked well as a team.

The destruction of Phandalin changed that. Phandalin became something they shared, something they didn't need to talk about in order to understand, something they all knew couldn't possibly have been avoided and yet still shouldn't have _happened_, something they all in various ways feel responsible for. Something they could put a brave, non-serious face on for the entire rest of the world, _together_. No matter what previous terrors they'd each survived, no matter how differently Phandalin affected each of them, it forged an instant and strong connection that wouldn't fade with time. A bond in loss, intimately familiar, turning a headstrong human warrior, a self-absorbed elven wizard, and an aging dwarven cleric into family.

The silence stretches, and the gauntlet glints. Whatever comes next, they face together.

"Listen," says Taako, as the three of them stand there staring at the gauntlet and no one dares move to approach it. "We know that touching the glove from the outside is really bad. It's not good. We know that putting the glove on is… probably really stupid."

"Can we cut off his arm?" asks Merle.

"It would probably just break off, but — is it safe?"

"Look, we've got two people interested in the gauntlet. One of them is now… dead. Let's wake up the other one and let her have it. I can heal her. It's kind of what I do."

"Hold on," says Magnus, "what if it's like the umbrella, and if the right person takes it, it's safe?"

They're all quiet for a moment.

"Well, OK, you twisted my arm," says Taako. "I think — that's magical, I'm magic, this is the sort of thing that I've trained for."

He walks, very slowly, towards the silvery gauntlet, paying careful attention to how he feels as he gets closer. It's almost, he thinks, like the glove is trying to take him over, like the glove _wants_ him to come closer and put it on. _Come put this dope glove on_ are the almost tangible words in Taako's mind. Taako acknowledges that temptation, then pushes it down where he can easily ignore it, as if he's had years of practice doing exactly that. 

Still, the impulse gives him second thoughts.

"So listen," he says to the others behind him. "The glove _really_ wants me to put it on. Can I get some group input on this thing?"

"I say you back up," Magnus immediately answers. "We've _just_ seen it destroy a town, _and_ people that were using it."

"I don't disagree! Here's my argument, though. It's obviously very dangerous. We can't leave it _here._"

Magnus kneels down to search Killian for anything she might have that would help contain a powerful, dangerous magical artifact. He pulls up her sleeve and sees a metal bracer on her arm with a strange symbol engraved into the metal, but it doesn't have a clasp or any obvious mechanism for taking it off. 

Magnus points at it. "I think this is where she's getting her knowledge about this thing from. So one of us needs to get it off her and on ourselves."

"Why do you think she's learning stuff from that?" asks Taako, who barely sees the bracer from where he's standing closer to the gauntlet. 

"Well, she knows about the gauntlet, but can't tell us about it."

"What does the symbol look like?"

"What do you mean, what does the symbol look like?"

"Describe it."

"Come here and just_ look_ at it."

"Why? This is more fun."

The symbol Magnus haltingly and grudgingly describes reminds Taako of research he's seen on magical messaging or signalling equipment. It doesn't discount Magnus's theory, but something tells Taako it's not nearly that sophisticated of an enchanted item.

The three adventurers aren't getting anywhere else without risking a whole lot of danger, so they agree to let Merle heal Killian and help her regain consciousness, but not before Magnus ties her hands together and her feet together. Just in case. Something tells _Magnus_ that she's not going to be psyched about them taking all of her stuff.

Taako surreptitiously slips her magical feather duster back into her hand.

When Killian wakes up, it's initially slowly and blearily. When she sees her hands bound in front of her, that pace accelerates very quickly — she's instantly alert and looking around, preparing for a threat.

"Well," she says, and stops. Her gaze falls to the circle of black glass. "I guess we didn't save Phandalin, huh? Guess we did a bad job."

"Yeah, I would _say so_," Magnus snaps. 

Killian sees her crossbow in Magnus's hands. "I'd like that back, please? In my hands? Would like my hands back too, if I could just use 'em…"

"I feel like we could probably have done more for Phandalin," Magnus says, "if we'd known what the _fuck_ was going on _before_ we got here."

"How many fucking times do I have to tell you!?" Killian snaps right back. "I _literally_ can't tell you _anything_! I can't tell you any helpful information! I can't tell you. I can't _tell_ you."

"I feel like you could have done a little more, though," Taako chimes in. Magnus and Merle both murmur in agreement. "Like, a _little_ more. Like some context clues, or perhaps some charades."

"Maybe drop the hint that he was going to turn into a _giant of fire_," says Merle.

"Draw a picture," Taako agrees.

"OK, fine! Let's try this. You tell me when it gets… staticky. Cool?"

"OK."

"I… have to pick my words very carefully, I… am an employee… of… a… group… of… um. Concerned… people… how is it so far?"

"So far so good," Magnus tells her.

"Who… are working… to… ⛓⛓⛓⛓

"Yeah, there we go," says Magnus. "We got a crackle."

"Oh, god… who are working… to… make… the… whole land… safer. How's that?"

"That's clear," says Magnus, "except that's hard to buy, because the first time we met you, you sycced a giant grinder thing on us."

"I thought you were trying to stop…! My… my group of people, from doing a good thing!"

"Well, you're a little bit grind first, ask questions later!"

"Yeeeeah."

"Is your inability to talk to us related to your bracer?" Taako asks, pointing to her arm.

"Oh, this old thing? No."

"What _is_ that old thing, then?" asks Merle.

"Yeah," nods Taako, "what's the bracer for?"

"Oh, god…"

"We're just asking," Merle says.

"Well, see, whenever you touch the thing on my bracer, it ⛓⛓⛓⛓ from the ⛓⛓⛓⛓

They all look at each other.

"I think you were faking that one," Taako decides.

"Kind of spit a little on that one," Merle agrees.

Killian rolls her eyes, sighs, and looks past them, which is when her gaze falls on the silvery gauntlet glinting on the dead Gundren Rockseeker's arm. Her entire body tenses at once.

"Wait a minute — how have none of you grabbed the gauntlet and put it on?"

"Oh," says Magnus, "we're super cool."

"We're really chill," Taako agrees, "and honestly, I was afraid. If we're just… putting it out there."

The offhand answer doesn't satisfy Killian even for a moment. "You mean its… its thrall didn't…? Didn't take you over?"

"No. I'm dumb. It wasn't even a thing for me. I was fine."

Killian stares at all three of them, momentarily completely lost for words. The expression on her face is similar to the one she wore when she saw that they had defeated Magic Brian — confusion and respect rolled into one.

"I…" she says, trying and failing to speak. "You guys… where — where did you_ come_ from?"

"Your mother," says Magnus. Taako and Merle don't bother trying to hide their sniggers anymore.

"That's a… _pretty_ good burn," says Killian. The expression on her face doesn't change. "I would think you'd all be orcs, or at least of the same race, but…" She takes a very long breath and shuts her eyes. "OK," she says. "I'm going to let you guys in. I _swear_ to the gods…"

"Don't make me cast my truth spell again," Merle warns her.

"No. No truth spell required. Nothing but open honesty, because I _think_… I think we could use people like you." She looks at the gauntlet. "If you've already escaped the thrall of that… _thing_, that I can't say the name of —"

"Let's just say glovey," Magnus suggests.

"Fine. If you've already escaped the thrall of Glovey, you can collect it. And we can take it somewhere where it will never do anything like _this_ ever again. But you _have_ to let me out of here."

The word _collect_ barely leaves her mouth when Taako begins sprinting back towards the gauntlet. He grabs the glove off Gundren's arm, and it doesn't burn him.

"Don't put it on," Killian shouts, "don't put it on, do _not_ put it on!"

Taako does not put the gauntlet on. Taako puts it in his bag instead.

"If we're buying in that much," says Merle, "we might as well let her go. Might as well free her."

Magnus undoes his overly complicated knots, freeing Killian's hands and feet.

"But don't give her the crossbow," Merle warns him.

"I want my crossbow, though, kind of," says Killian.

"Tough."

"I like it a lot."

"_Tough._"

"Look at the handle on it, see my engraving?"

"We don't trust you," Merle reminds her bluntly.

"Have you named it?" asks Magnus.

"Yeah, it's called, uh — Billups."

Magnus takes the bolts, and hands Killian her crossbow back.

Killian looks from her crossbow to the bolts in Magnus's hand, then shrugs. "OK," she says. "That's fair. I'm not going to need it. We're regrouping right now. So let's get this show on the road!" Killian stands up, dusts herself off, and looks at Merle. "Thanks for the healing. I guess it's kind of the least you can do, since the three of you landed on me, and —"

"It was a _tiny well!_" Magnus objects.

"It was _your fault_!" Merle adds.

"Well, that's debatable. There'll be time for blame later. Right now, we need to get somewhere where the ground's not as hard."

"Or glassy?"

"Or glassy, yeah."

"Or full of dead people that we failed to save?" Magnus offers, a weak attempt at a lighthearted joke.

Killian walks to the edge of the glass circle, her boots slipping a little on the terrain. She points her arm at a spot about 200 yards away from the black glass and presses the symbol on her bracer. The rune flashes yellow intermittently.

"Just waiting for approval here," Killian murmurs.

The rune turns a solid blue.

"And now we just wait. Shouldn't take too long." She hesitates. "What are your names again?"

"Merle Highchurch."

"I'm Taako."

"I'm Magnus Burnsides."

"Seriously, how did you guys — where did you guys come from? You've done some _pretty impossible_ feats."

"I'm from Raven's Roost," says Magnus thoughtfully. "Born the son of a carpenter —"

"We have about thirty seconds, Magnus."

"Oh, then never mind."

"We were in prison together," says Merle.

Killian stares at him. "Wait, seriously?"

"Now hold on," says Magnus. "I've never been to prison in my _life_."

"We were fighting the Man."

"The man?"

"Yeah. The _Man_. You know? The _Man_."

Magnus thinks for a moment. "Charles?"

"About five more seconds," says Killian.

"What's _your_ deal?" asks Magnus.

"_My_ deal is —"

**BWSSSH.**

A sound thunders down from above. One of the clouds in the sky bursts apart, and a shape flies down to land on the grass right where Killian pointed when she activated her bracer. She beckons the others and starts walking towards it.

The shape, it turns out, is a large glass sphere, easily big enough to fit all four of them inside it. It has solid metal trimming all around it, and there are four chairs inside. Killian taps on the glass and an aperture opens that she climbs through so she can strap herself into one of the chairs.

"It's really lucky that there's not just three chairs," Magnus remarks. "Or sixteen chairs. Very fitting."

Killian raises her brow at him. "It's best if you don't think about it."

"OK."

"We've got a med kit in here," she goes on, "if you want to stitch yourself up, and I can put on some tea. It's not great tea, but… hop in. Come on."

"OK."

Magnus hops in and takes the seat next to Killian in front. Taako doesn't move, and, in fact, hasn't said very much for a while now, so Merle puts a hand on Taako's arm. "It'll be alright," he says. "Come on."

"I'm — I'm scared."

"Let's get on the big, glass ball. It'll be fun."

"Don't have to tell me twice." Taako pauses right outside the entrance and examines the outside of the glass ball very closely. He recognises the enchantment built into the very top of the glass ball as a compression enchantment, but he's never seen any other part of the apparatus before. 

"OK guys," says Taako, "here's what we're dealing with. It's some sort of compression magic —"

"Taako," Magnus interrupts. "We're _all already inside the ball._ You're the only one left outside."

"What we've got here is your standard-order compression ball, sporting compression magic —"

"I'll give you some chocolate if you sit down," Merle entices Taako.

"Oh, alright, I'll sit down."

Killian shuts the door once they're all strapped in, taps her bracer a few times, and a giant hot-air balloon rises out of the very top of the ball. Before they know it, they're off, rising steadily into the night sky and towards the two glowing moons high above.

The remains of Phandalin lie spread out below them, a grisly reminder of how terrifyingly powerful the gauntlet in Taako's bag is. The black glass on the ground forms a mirror for the night sky above, eerily beautiful. As they rise higher, they can see a group of lights in the distance — the capital of Neverwinter. They can see the Sword Mountains, sharp and proud. They pass through a thin cloud layer overhead and then it's just them, the night sky, and the hot air balloon above them.

Killian smiles. "You guys are gonna love what happens next."

One of the two moons in the night sky suddenly looms much larger than any of them thought it would. The glass ball they're in hasn't even broken the stratosphere, and yet this particular moon seems almost close enough for them to reach out and touch, impossibly large and impossibly _impossible,_ hanging in the air ahead of them.

"Guys," says Taako, "the moon's expanding."

Merle squints between the seats. "That's no moon."

A portcullis slides open in the moon's surface, like a massive porthole. The glass ball flies smoothly through the gap and right into the moon itself, and they find themselves surrounded by inky blackness.

"Well guys," says Killian, sounding pleased and maybe even a little smug. "Hold onto your butts."

The three of them immediately grip their butts, and the glass ball comes to a halt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me so far! This wraps up the 'Here There Be Gerblins' arc. Chapter 1 of the 'Moonlighting' arc is going to be up next week, and depending on how things go, I may even post the whole arc at once -- it's a short one. I'll see you all then!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm currently looking at a weekly update schedule, with a new chapter every Saturday (generally every Friday in the rest of the world because thanks to timezones, I live in the future!). This might need to change. We'll see. Brace your asses.


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